Note to self…keep breathing when you are on the phone with her!

I had been holding my breath for the last handful of minutes towards the end of the call while she was crying and begging me to come out and help her.  I told that I would be there soon.  Soon in her world is an ever changing thing. Soon in my world means about 3 weeks.  But, who knows if she will even be here by then.  Part of me hopes she will be gone, part of me wants to see her one last time.

My intuitive sense says she will be here for a bit longer…but who knows.

She is in a nursing home now.

Landed there last week.

She stopped getting out of bed (again), stopped eating and drinking (again).  She is too weak to get out of bed now.  She is wearing depends now.  She is also having some pretty wild hallucinations. Some of them are friendly…hangin out with my dad, her brother or her sister (all of these folks have already left the building).  But, some of them are really scary.  She thinks that she is trapped in the basement of a hospital and no one will let her go home.  The other night it was being trapped in a hotel basement…and no one would let her go home.

There certainly is a lot of truth in these nightmares.  She is trapped. And we won’t let her go home.

Well, she can’t go home.  She can’t take care of herself any longer.

I keep trying to reach for some humor in all of this…and I just can’t.  It just isn’t funny.  Not today anyway.

I have had some funny conversations with my dad though.  You see, my brother and I are kind of pissed of at him for heading out before mom.  He left us with a handful.  He would have been easy if my mom had died before him…but no!  he just had to check out before her.  Selfish man!!!  So, in my dream the other night, I was fussin at him for this mess and told him to come and get her.  He just laughed and laughed. I asked him what was so funny?  He said “This is all up to her.”

Crap.  He is right.  This is all up to her.

When that part of her (what ever that part is), is ready to let go…she will head on out.  Until then, I gotta keep breathing and reminding myself that this is her process.

And while I wait for the inevitable…my son is getting ready to go to Moscow.  My other son is living his fabulous life in Arizona.  My fella and I are enjoying our lives together.  My work is fulfilling and creative. I am learning how to fuse glass.

It snowed this weekend and it is beautiful outside~

I fell off the planet for a while and just found a way to hop back on.  With the exception of getting used to gravity again…and all that means to my newly fabulous 48 year old body…I am doing just dandy!

And because I am getting into the swing of things…as much swing as I can get on a gravity based planet…I have stolen todays post from Rob Brezney.  I couldn’t help it.  It is just so flippin brilliantly great…I just had to share it with you.

So…without further ado….

Here is Rob

HOW IS ENLIGHTENMENT LIKE A MILLION-DOLLAR VACATION HOME?

For some seekers, spiritual enlightenment is the ultimate commodity.
They believe that through diligent meditation and self-_improvement,
there will come a day when it will no longer elude their grasp. Breaking
through to the singular state of cosmic consciousness, they will forever
after own it, free and clear. Permanently illuminated! Never to backslide
into the dull ignominy of normal human awareness!

Here’s what I have to say about that:_It’s a delusion.

The fact is, the nature of perfection is always mutating. What constitutes
enlightenment today will always be different tomorrow. Even if _you’re
fortunate and wise enough to score a sliver of “enlightenment,” it’s not a
static treasure that becomes your indestructible, everlasting possession.
Rather, it remains a mercurial knack that must be continually re_earned.

If you want to befriend the Divine Wow, you must not only be willing to
change ceaselessly — you have to love to change ceaselessly.

Lucky you: All of creation is conspiring to help you live like that.

+

CERTIFICATE OF EXEMPTION FROM ENLIGHTENMENT

This document certifies that _____________________ is immune to
the lust for enlightenment and is exempt from the need to seek
enlightenment.

This document also certifies that _____________________ has seen
through the fraud of the enlightenment con game and is excused from
further clawing and scraping to own a piece if that specious reward.

This document further certifies that _____________________ is free
from the temptation to be consecrated as enlightened by any guru, saint,
holy person, or religious organization that claims the right to do so.

Finally, this document certifies that _____________________ has
already been enlightened a million times in a million different ways
anyway, and that seeking even further enlightenment would be redundant
and even greedy.

To ensure the continued validity of this document
_____________________ vows to regularly renew these three
understandings: that it is impossible to ever reach a complete and
permanent state of enlightenment; that there is no single state of
awareness that constitutes enlightenment; and that since the nature of
reality keeps changing, the nature of enlightenment keeps changing as
well.

I have mine signed and blown up on my wall

Signed: enlighten smighten in Loveland~

One of the aspects of dementia is that the person who is demented…(Can I say that?) becomes very good at compensating.  If mom doesn’t remember something or something confuses her she will start to mumble…change the subject…lie… or strike.   All are very effective…especially the strike.

Brilliant way to get everyone to back the hell off so that she can internally settle herself.

After one particularly dizzying strike, I was thinking about the amazing ability humans have of defending themselves.  We all compensate.  We all have our own version of puffing up when feeling under attach and scared.  We all have our ways of protecting the self.

We also have unique styles of compensation that focuses on how to navigate in our environments.

Blind people compensate by using their hearing and sense of touch in amplified ways.  They can ‘see’ through their hearing.

I went to a concert once with my girlfriend who was deaf.  She compensated for her deafness by standing right next to the speakers…feeling the sound vibration and moved to the pulse that she felt through her skin.  We had a great time dancing together~

Jerry Garcia had one of his fingers cut off as a kid…he learned to play guitar with four fingers. He had to learn a different way to play…he found a way that worked.  Worked really really well!!!!

Replace “compensate” with “thrive”…

Or maybe replace “compensate” with “adapt”…

It is interesting…isn’t it?

I want to bring this back to how my mom is being quite creative in her ways of compensation.

She has always written lists.  Makes sense.  If you might forget something…write it down.  Now her lists are becoming quit epic.  She writes down EVERYTHING.  Sometimes the list help her to focus and feel less confused.

But, sometimes there is a paradox within compensation!  She has so many lists around that the lists are confusing her.  I have gotten into the habit of telling her “I will write it down for you…and then I will remind you~”  She likes this.  Immediate relief for her.

So, now I am compensating for her compensation

I do the same thing.  I write things down so  I won’t forget them.  I am compensating for a very limited brain capacity for particular details.  Especially when it comes to technology.  There are all of these little steps that I must take in order to post this blog, or to add a link to my website…or to copy and paste something!!  All of these details are in a notebook titled “Stupid dummy dumb dumb technological instructions!“  Works great for me…with a touch of humor…more compensation   If I can laugh…I won’t be in the fetal position under my desk. And…I actually can get some things done!

So, my mother is attempting to adapt…to compensate for the slipper slope of her mind.  Pretty damned brilliant.  She also uses this compensation of emotion and behavior (mumbling, changing the subject, lying…and striking) to keep her fear at bay.  Brilliant yet again.  It would scare the crap out of her if she fully realized what was happening…in fact, I think her mind is protecting her from this realization…so that she won’t be so afraid.  More brilliance.

Now I realize that I am being Little Ms Intellectual here…but, I am gonna chalk that up to my brilliant ways of compensating.  This soothes me.  Tunes me into the feelings of compassion and curiosity.  It also makes me smile…thinking of my mom as a Super Adapter…as a Super Compensator in the face of this scary situation.

This ability to compensate…to adapt…certainly changes from day to day.  Sometimes I am better at it…then other times.

So dear readers…I know I am being a bit long winded here…I had lots of thoughts that I deleted   …

How about you?

What ways do you compensate/adapt to new and challenging situations?

Do you find it a wee bit bumpy as well?

Well, I am off to go call my mom…I have a note here to remind her of something (which I almost forgot to do!)

Bye for now~

I know that I need to go visit…but when?

Maybe it is not as bad as I am thinking.  She has always been a handful with a mean edge.

I want to do some writing about this.  But is that being disloyal?

Visiting…I do need to go out to visit.  In the fall.  Maybe we can all go out for Thanksgiving…she would like that.  I need to go out soon before this thing takes over!

Badly….Well, it is as bad as I have been thinking.  In fact, it is progressing alarmingly quickly.

Writing…I have decided to write about  this…tenderly and a wee bit gingerly.  She doesn’t read this blog…and if she did…hmmmmm…might not be good.   I am still unsure if this is being disloyal (I mean this is pretty intense dirty laundry!) . But, I think that writing about this could be cathartic for me…and possibly for those of you who are going through a similar experience.

So, I am ready to take the plunge. Dirty laundry…here I come.

You see, my mom is diving head first into dementia.  I think she knows it.  But, she won’t let us talk to her about it.  She gets very defensive and aggressive when we even whisper in that direction.  She has always been a difficult person.  Highly aggressive and very defensive.  And now…..

It is getting worse.

Yesterday she called me “stupid” and said I was a “fat pig.”

How does that even come up in a conversation?

These are not new terms of endearments…but, she won’t remember saying this when I call her today.  It will be all erased.  For her.

Must be nice.

I also recognize that behind this nasty edge…is an elderly woman who is really scared.  Maybe this has been behind her nasty edge all along.  Maybe she has always been a fearful woman.  I just don’t know.

On one hand my heart goes out to her.  I don’t want her to be afraid.  I want her to feel safe and cozy in her world.  I want her last bit of time in this life to be filled with good stuff…not this.

On the other hand I feel such intense resentment.  Not an emotion that I land in very often.  But here it is.  Raw.  And sometimes it is so intense that I see dots in front of my eyes!   She gets to go off into her own little world and leave a wave of destruction behind her. She gets to have amnesia.

But, isn’t that how it has always been?  What is so different now?

I guess now the difference is that she is old and frail. Instead of self righteously wanting to pop her in the nose…and tell her to fuck off… I want to cry.  I want to give her a big hug and tell her that everything is going to be okay.

And then there are the strange times when I feel angry at my dad for heading out early.  He probably saw this comin and decided to get the hell out of dodge.  Chicken shit.

My mind tries to tell me that there are things that I can be doing to change this.  I think that is my inner optimist…or my inner magical thinker.  I am not sure there is anything to do…I am not sure there is anything I can change…

…except things within myself.

That is the only thing I have a say over….

…and that sucks!

If I see one more pelican covered in oil…

If I see Anderson Cooper in one more tight black t-shirt (though he does look cute as a button!)…

If I see one more sad story…

I will fall so deep into a pit of despair…

Well, not that deep.  I am too much of an optimist to go to far down.  But, I sure have been getting my toes wet.

The challenge with all of this news is that there is so much information out there that I can’t do anything about.  Yes, I have signed a bunch of petitions.  Yes, I have written my congressman.  Yes, I have thought of going down there to help with the clean up… Yes, I have done tapping for the gulf…meditations for the gulf…all of that stuff.

And the sad news just keeps coming.

So, what do we do with all of this?  What do we do with the tragedy’s that are happening over there and still be present with our lives over here?  Can we hold sadness for that while appreciating and loving this?

In the history of this planet…we have never seen so much information at our fingertips…in the air…surrounding us.  We just can’t take it all in.  I am not sure if we are meant to…I am thinkin we are not.

Maybe we have to become very good sifters.  Sifters of our reality.  Sifters of information.  What do we want to take in…what do we want to leave out?  Were do we want to focus our energy?  What changes do we want to be a part of?  Where does our inspiration land?

I know some folks who are taking action to help in the gulf…physically being present down there.  That is not what resonates for me.  I am working with some clients who live down there to help them with what is going on…with how there lives have changed over night.  That kind of support does resonate with me.

We all have our ways of contributing.  Some are small…some are big.

And for some of us we can have conversations and share ideas.  Some of us can’t even talk about these sorts of things.

So where ever you are with all of this information I offer you the idea of becoming an excellent sifter.  Taking in what you can and leaving out what you can’t.  Doing those actions that inspire and leaving the ones that don’t (they will be inspiring to someone else).  And when the news gets too overwhelming…and even before you reach that point…turn it off and focus your attention on something that soothes your heart.

And for those of you who still like to know what is going on in the world but want a more uplifting focus, I have listed some good news sites.  These are only a few…there are tons more where these came from

good news network

Ode Magazine

positive news

Good news daily

Happy news

Positive economic news

Okie dokie…that’ll do it!

Peace~

]]> http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/cnn-you-are-bummin-me-out/feed/ 3 http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/groovy-goddess-where-did-you-get-that-dress/ http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/groovy-goddess-where-did-you-get-that-dress/#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:04:55 +0000 Lynne Morrell http://lynnemorrell.com/?p=703 I had a nice little meditation this morning…sitting on my comfy chair…outside in the sun.  It was one of those meditations where I became so quiet, that a butterfly landed on my leg and a goddess came down from above and shared some possibilities to a  question that I had been meditating on.  As I was receiving all of these super groovy gifts, I noticed that there was some internal drifting happening.

I was  surprised and excited that a swallowtail had landed on my leg…cuz that is super cool and groovy…and must mean something profound!  Right????

Another part of my mind was trying to document the fabulous words of wisdom being shared by this ethereal being…along with noticing what a cool gown the goddess babe was wearing.  Which lead me to wonder where she got that dress?  I loved the fabric!  I could make some awesome curtains for our bedroom with that fabric!!

And another part of me was noticing that the neighbors dogs had been barking for awhile prompting the human who lives there to come outside and start yelling at them to “shut the hell up!!!” 

As I brought my attention back to my meditation, the cool goddess babe shrugged her shoulders and told me she was gonna take off .  The dogs were distracting her too and she was getting a headache from all the barking!  So we said our good byes…and off she went.  By this time the butterfly had taken off as well and was floating  to it’s next adventure…and it was just me…sitting on a chair…outside in the sun…listening to the human next door continue to yell at her dogs.

I decided it was time to go in.

As I poured myself another cup of  coffee and sat down with my journal I started to laugh and shake my head.  What a funny meditation that was!  So much contrast.  And you know how I love contrast   From a sweet butterfly, to a groovy goddess babe with a slammin dress on, to barking dogs… to barking humans.

Interestingly enough…the question that I began my meditation with was “how can I be more focused in my day to day?”  I tend to flit from one thing to the next.  Like that butterfly.  I am focused on what is in front of me….but, then the next shiny object captures my attention.  (I have gotten up 3 times during this blog post to rinse out my coffee cup, to look out the window, and to feed the birds).

Now, I am not saying that this is a bad way of doing things….it’s just that I have these big projects I am working on. I am focused for a bit…gettin into a good groove, and then I start to drift.  The drifting tendency has made these projects go on for way too long.  In fact, if I keep drifting like this…I know that at some point, I am gonna disconnect from my momentum and put them down all together!

It is so funny to me that this groovy goddess shows up to share some brilliant wisdom….and what do I do?  I notice her dress and start to wonder how I could find that same material to make some curtains.  Talk about a major mental drift.  I mean don’t get me wrong, she was totally thrilled that I loved her dress…and she agreed that curtains would look awesome in that same fabric…but, that is not the point!

Or is it?

I just don’t know.

All I know is that I am beginning to drift again.  That same butterfly keeps floating past my window, beckoning me to come outside and see the new flowers that are beginning to bloom.  And I am dreaming of her dress….very cool fabric…maybe I can find some like that…on line?  Or at the fabric store?  Maybe I will go look for it…

not until I follow the butterfly~

As my friend Sheryl says:  Peace to your seeking heart!

There are several factors that have contributed to this little mind set of mine.  One  stems from the way I was raised.  Yep, blame it on childhood!!!  I lived in a home where a spade was NOT a spade but something else completely. And ya better not point out that it was really a spade cuz then you would be in deep doo-doo!

Another factor is that I am such an optimist/magical thinker/naive babe-a-roo.    I have always been this way.  If someone tells me that it is not a spade but a heart…I believe em. Not always….but often enough!  I just figure they know what they know and I am probably miss informed.  Or that maybe it is a spade and they see it as a heart and we can agree to disagree!

The other part of this is that for some reason calling a spade a spade has become a sort of negative thing.  Sorta like it’s not okay to call a pile of shit…a pile of shit.  Sometimes people want to throw glitter on it and call it an art project!  Sorry to be so crass here….but it makes my point so clearly!

I made the uncomfortable decision some months ago of ending a relationship due to pretty intense spade behaviors.  A very difficult decision for someone like me.  I tend to continue to throw glitter at things trying to reframe the hell out em so that they can work.  Or so that I can be more supportive…or a “good friend”…or or or…on and on it goes…name your poison!

But, finally one morning I woke up…and said “Hey that ain’t pretty…that is rotten.  And I don’t want to be around rotten.”

There were no reframes left.  There was only a pit of bad feelings in my stomach that I had tried to cover up for a long long long time.  So, I called the spade a spade.  And shockingly…the world did not end!  Another shock was that my fella and some other friends of mine had known the spade was a spade the whole time!

Okay…so not only am I an optimist/magical thinker and naive babe-a-r00….I am also not the sharpest tool in the shed!!!

Another surprise to me  happened after walking away from this is that things started to clear up.  Things that had been feeling vague and unclear…became crystal clear.  My ability to decipher my internal “yes” and “no” became more fluid. I saw the whole deck of cards…clearly without any of the suits super imposing themselves on each other.

How is that for some metaphorical languaging!!! 

Another way to put this is that I had taken some of my values too far.  I have strong values around relationships and loyalty.  I was focusing so much energy on being loyal to this friend and I simultaneously disconnecting from being loyal to myself.  The minute I reconnected with “loyalty to my Self” things became clear.

Interesting!

So my dear readers….I have a some questions for you to ponder:

What spades are easy for you to call?

What spades do you call hearts to make peace?

What is the one big spade that you have been avoiding?

What is the benefit of avoiding this spade?

What is the bummer of avoiding this spade?

If you were free to call this spade a spade…how would your life change?

Okie dokie artichokie’s….let me know how this goes:)

Feel free to share if inspired

Have a full deck kind of week!!!!!

I just didn’t want to deal with that kind of stress.

I decided that death was the only way out.

So, I spent some time plotting its demise.

I thought of hiring a hit dude…but, that would just take too much cash…which I don’t have right now. I thought of shutting the whole thing down and getting a job as a greeter at Walmart.  But, that seemed a bit too extreme…even for me!    I thought of explosives…I could just blow the whole thing up!  But, I am not a big fan of loud and sudden noises…that would just startle me and freak me out.

Maybe killing it off wasn’t such a good idea after all.

So, I went back to an old tried and true remedy.  Redecorate!  It always works when I do it in my house.  I get kind of bored with the way things look….and I move stuff around and paint.   This always re-energizes me!  It works every time!

Let me introduce you to my new redecorated blog:  “Being Awkwardly Lovely and Human: Following the edginess, the bumbling goofiness & the intrinsic joy of being a human on this planet!”

Same blog.  With a bit of a twist.  I think this is what I have been writing about all along.  But, this title feels more focused and clear.  And since I am one of those awkward humans (I am one of those people who get toilet paper stuck to my shoe) I think this fits me perfectly.

So…let me welcome you to my new updated blog!  I hope you like the new title and the new content.  A few things are still in the process of being tweaked… as with all redecorating projects, it just takes a bit of time to get things just right.

Wishing you a lovely and awkward day

]]> http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/06/ode-da-blog/feed/ 7 http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/02/as-the-world-turns/ http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/02/as-the-world-turns/#comments Tue, 23 Feb 2010 18:43:26 +0000 lynnemorrell http://lynnemorrell.com/?p=538 Since last writing in my very painful blog…well, actually my blog isn’t painful per say…it’s  been painful writing in the damned thing…

Where was I????

Oh ya…painful…writing…blog…

So here is how things have been going:

The last few weeks, I wake up, grab a bowl of coffee, read my emails, look at my schedule to see who I get to tap with, and then sit and stare blankly at my computer screen waiting for some inspiration…something….anything.

In the last 3 weeks, I have written 15 drafts.

15.

I wrote a handful of lines on my love of the word “skallywag.”  But when I looked up the word to make sure I was spelling it right, I realized that the spelling I was using had a different meaning then I was intending.  I meant scallywag not skallywag.

BIG difference:

Skallywag (urban dictionary): A crack head or crack whore, one that lives on the streets and bums for money to buy alcohol or drugs.

Uh….that’s not what I was thinking of when I wrote those 4 sentences.

I was talking about this other word:

Scallywag: one who is playfully mischievous, a scamp, a rascal.

Yeah.  That’s the one.

Then, I started to worry that maybe all the times that I used scallywag to talk about myself or someone else (like my kids or my fella)…they thought I meant skallywag…they might have thought I was calling myself a crack whore….or my fella and kids crack  heads!  And that thought just led to some other strange thoughts until I started feeling really weird.  I took my hands off the keyboard.  Then I clicked on ‘save draft’ and that was that.

There are drafts on topics like the exploring ‘effort vs stuggle’  ( I am still intrigued by this…but, my writing was particularly unfunny that morning.), spiders that have moved into our house,  the bunnies that play with the mice that play with the spiders that live with us…oh, there is even a draft on mentoring EFT practitioners (which I do a lot of…but, was also a bit on the dry side).

On and on the drafts go.

Just drafts.  Can’t get them to come alive.

But every morning I wake up hopeful that this writers block will go away.  That something will stick.  That I will sit at my  computer and wonderfully funny sequences of words will flow through me.

Writers block-a-roo…kind of a strange place to be in.   I want to keep writing….I want to keep blogging…I love writing whitty things about the human experience…and it just ain’t happenin’.

I understand now why folks talk about continuing to write even if ya got nothin to say.  At least it keeps your writing muscles sorta warmed up and flexible.

“Writer’s block yoga:  keeping your muscles nicely stretched until you can finally stick your leg over your head!”

I feel a bumper sticker coming on!

Oops.  Gettin off track again.

Anyway, that is what I have been doing…writing even though my words are dry and lacking texture.

Writing crappy nothings. Dry, flat, crappy nothings.

Writing this post has taken some effort.  A fairly decent amount of effort.

Writing the last 15 crappy nothing posts felt like a struggle.

See how I worked that in?  ‘Effort vs Struggle’?

Pretty trick.  Hmmmmm maybe I have more to say about this after all….

To be continued…

maybe.

This holiday is a tough one.

At least for me.

You see…I am a Thanksgiving turkey.  They even call me that down here at the yard.  All my family thinks that this is some kind of honor.  Like this is good for the family or somethin’!

But not me.

Just the sound of “Thanksgiving Turkey” makes my skin crawl.  It’s like I am havin some kind of premonition or somethin.  Anyway, everyone here thinks I am crazy when I start talkin about it.  Like I am being negative or something.  My friends keep saying that I am being fatalistic…I think that I am being realistic!

But, whaddya gonna do?

No one believes me.

But those humans…I dunno…I just don’t trust em.

I mean come on!  They feed us and stuff….for what?  For nothin?  Cuz they like us?  We just ain’t that cute.    And truth be told…we ain’t that bright.  Just last month Frank over there stood outside in the rain lookin up…I tried to get him to come inside but he wouldn’t listen.  Poor schtoop drowned.  Right outside the pen.  And this ain’t the first time it has happened….I have seen it before.

But, none of thems guys remembers.

It’s like they got no long term memory or somethin’.  Whaddya call it??

Anastasia?

Nah that ain’t it.

Amnesia.

Yah.  That’s it.

They got’s that amnesia thing!

It’s like once in a while these trucks come in and a bunch of us disappear.  Everyone’s  flappin about for a few minutes and then they just go back to eatin crap off the ground.  Discustin.  Stupid.

And I just gots to say that I gots this really weird feelin in my belly.  Like somethin bad is gonna happen.  I just know.

Ya know?

Ya gets this feeling?  Right there?  And ya just know…somethin ain’t right.

Somethin ain’t right.

Oh NO!  There are them trucks…they are comin our way.  Ah no. I am being forced to get on the truck with all these other schtoops.  I don’t got a good feelin about this.

As the trucks drive away….the Thanksgiving Turkey thinks to himself:

“I wish it would rain!”

Happy Turkey day

P.s Now that I have written this turkeys memoirs…I think we are gonna have some pasta for Thanksgiving instead!