I fell off the planet for a while and just found a way to hop back on.  With the exception of getting used to gravity again…and all that means to my newly fabulous 48 year old body…I am doing just dandy!

And because I am getting into the swing of things…as much swing as I can get on a gravity based planet…I have stolen todays post from Rob Brezney.  I couldn’t help it.  It is just so flippin brilliantly great…I just had to share it with you.

So…without further ado….

Here is Rob

HOW IS ENLIGHTENMENT LIKE A MILLION-DOLLAR VACATION HOME?

For some seekers, spiritual enlightenment is the ultimate commodity.
They believe that through diligent meditation and self-_improvement,
there will come a day when it will no longer elude their grasp. Breaking
through to the singular state of cosmic consciousness, they will forever
after own it, free and clear. Permanently illuminated! Never to backslide
into the dull ignominy of normal human awareness!

Here’s what I have to say about that:_It’s a delusion.

The fact is, the nature of perfection is always mutating. What constitutes
enlightenment today will always be different tomorrow. Even if _you’re
fortunate and wise enough to score a sliver of “enlightenment,” it’s not a
static treasure that becomes your indestructible, everlasting possession.
Rather, it remains a mercurial knack that must be continually re_earned.

If you want to befriend the Divine Wow, you must not only be willing to
change ceaselessly — you have to love to change ceaselessly.

Lucky you: All of creation is conspiring to help you live like that.

+

CERTIFICATE OF EXEMPTION FROM ENLIGHTENMENT

This document certifies that _____________________ is immune to
the lust for enlightenment and is exempt from the need to seek
enlightenment.

This document also certifies that _____________________ has seen
through the fraud of the enlightenment con game and is excused from
further clawing and scraping to own a piece if that specious reward.

This document further certifies that _____________________ is free
from the temptation to be consecrated as enlightened by any guru, saint,
holy person, or religious organization that claims the right to do so.

Finally, this document certifies that _____________________ has
already been enlightened a million times in a million different ways
anyway, and that seeking even further enlightenment would be redundant
and even greedy.

To ensure the continued validity of this document
_____________________ vows to regularly renew these three
understandings: that it is impossible to ever reach a complete and
permanent state of enlightenment; that there is no single state of
awareness that constitutes enlightenment; and that since the nature of
reality keeps changing, the nature of enlightenment keeps changing as
well.

I have mine signed and blown up on my wall

Signed: enlighten smighten in Loveland~

One of the aspects of dementia is that the person who is demented…(Can I say that?) becomes very good at compensating.  If mom doesn’t remember something or something confuses her she will start to mumble…change the subject…lie… or strike.   All are very effective…especially the strike.

Brilliant way to get everyone to back the hell off so that she can internally settle herself.

After one particularly dizzying strike, I was thinking about the amazing ability humans have of defending themselves.  We all compensate.  We all have our own version of puffing up when feeling under attach and scared.  We all have our ways of protecting the self.

We also have unique styles of compensation that focuses on how to navigate in our environments.

Blind people compensate by using their hearing and sense of touch in amplified ways.  They can ‘see’ through their hearing.

I went to a concert once with my girlfriend who was deaf.  She compensated for her deafness by standing right next to the speakers…feeling the sound vibration and moved to the pulse that she felt through her skin.  We had a great time dancing together~

Jerry Garcia had one of his fingers cut off as a kid…he learned to play guitar with four fingers. He had to learn a different way to play…he found a way that worked.  Worked really really well!!!!

Replace “compensate” with “thrive”…

Or maybe replace “compensate” with “adapt”…

It is interesting…isn’t it?

I want to bring this back to how my mom is being quite creative in her ways of compensation.

She has always written lists.  Makes sense.  If you might forget something…write it down.  Now her lists are becoming quit epic.  She writes down EVERYTHING.  Sometimes the list help her to focus and feel less confused.

But, sometimes there is a paradox within compensation!  She has so many lists around that the lists are confusing her.  I have gotten into the habit of telling her “I will write it down for you…and then I will remind you~”  She likes this.  Immediate relief for her.

So, now I am compensating for her compensation

I do the same thing.  I write things down so  I won’t forget them.  I am compensating for a very limited brain capacity for particular details.  Especially when it comes to technology.  There are all of these little steps that I must take in order to post this blog, or to add a link to my website…or to copy and paste something!!  All of these details are in a notebook titled “Stupid dummy dumb dumb technological instructions!“  Works great for me…with a touch of humor…more compensation   If I can laugh…I won’t be in the fetal position under my desk. And…I actually can get some things done!

So, my mother is attempting to adapt…to compensate for the slipper slope of her mind.  Pretty damned brilliant.  She also uses this compensation of emotion and behavior (mumbling, changing the subject, lying…and striking) to keep her fear at bay.  Brilliant yet again.  It would scare the crap out of her if she fully realized what was happening…in fact, I think her mind is protecting her from this realization…so that she won’t be so afraid.  More brilliance.

Now I realize that I am being Little Ms Intellectual here…but, I am gonna chalk that up to my brilliant ways of compensating.  This soothes me.  Tunes me into the feelings of compassion and curiosity.  It also makes me smile…thinking of my mom as a Super Adapter…as a Super Compensator in the face of this scary situation.

This ability to compensate…to adapt…certainly changes from day to day.  Sometimes I am better at it…then other times.

So dear readers…I know I am being a bit long winded here…I had lots of thoughts that I deleted   …

How about you?

What ways do you compensate/adapt to new and challenging situations?

Do you find it a wee bit bumpy as well?

Well, I am off to go call my mom…I have a note here to remind her of something (which I almost forgot to do!)

Bye for now~

I know that I need to go visit…but when?

Maybe it is not as bad as I am thinking.  She has always been a handful with a mean edge.

I want to do some writing about this.  But is that being disloyal?

Visiting…I do need to go out to visit.  In the fall.  Maybe we can all go out for Thanksgiving…she would like that.  I need to go out soon before this thing takes over!

Badly….Well, it is as bad as I have been thinking.  In fact, it is progressing alarmingly quickly.

Writing…I have decided to write about  this…tenderly and a wee bit gingerly.  She doesn’t read this blog…and if she did…hmmmmm…might not be good.   I am still unsure if this is being disloyal (I mean this is pretty intense dirty laundry!) . But, I think that writing about this could be cathartic for me…and possibly for those of you who are going through a similar experience.

So, I am ready to take the plunge. Dirty laundry…here I come.

You see, my mom is diving head first into dementia.  I think she knows it.  But, she won’t let us talk to her about it.  She gets very defensive and aggressive when we even whisper in that direction.  She has always been a difficult person.  Highly aggressive and very defensive.  And now…..

It is getting worse.

Yesterday she called me “stupid” and said I was a “fat pig.”

How does that even come up in a conversation?

These are not new terms of endearments…but, she won’t remember saying this when I call her today.  It will be all erased.  For her.

Must be nice.

I also recognize that behind this nasty edge…is an elderly woman who is really scared.  Maybe this has been behind her nasty edge all along.  Maybe she has always been a fearful woman.  I just don’t know.

On one hand my heart goes out to her.  I don’t want her to be afraid.  I want her to feel safe and cozy in her world.  I want her last bit of time in this life to be filled with good stuff…not this.

On the other hand I feel such intense resentment.  Not an emotion that I land in very often.  But here it is.  Raw.  And sometimes it is so intense that I see dots in front of my eyes!   She gets to go off into her own little world and leave a wave of destruction behind her. She gets to have amnesia.

But, isn’t that how it has always been?  What is so different now?

I guess now the difference is that she is old and frail. Instead of self righteously wanting to pop her in the nose…and tell her to fuck off… I want to cry.  I want to give her a big hug and tell her that everything is going to be okay.

And then there are the strange times when I feel angry at my dad for heading out early.  He probably saw this comin and decided to get the hell out of dodge.  Chicken shit.

My mind tries to tell me that there are things that I can be doing to change this.  I think that is my inner optimist…or my inner magical thinker.  I am not sure there is anything to do…I am not sure there is anything I can change…

…except things within myself.

That is the only thing I have a say over….

…and that sucks!

If I see one more pelican covered in oil…

If I see Anderson Cooper in one more tight black t-shirt (though he does look cute as a button!)…

If I see one more sad story…

I will fall so deep into a pit of despair…

Well, not that deep.  I am too much of an optimist to go to far down.  But, I sure have been getting my toes wet.

The challenge with all of this news is that there is so much information out there that I can’t do anything about.  Yes, I have signed a bunch of petitions.  Yes, I have written my congressman.  Yes, I have thought of going down there to help with the clean up… Yes, I have done tapping for the gulf…meditations for the gulf…all of that stuff.

And the sad news just keeps coming.

So, what do we do with all of this?  What do we do with the tragedy’s that are happening over there and still be present with our lives over here?  Can we hold sadness for that while appreciating and loving this?

In the history of this planet…we have never seen so much information at our fingertips…in the air…surrounding us.  We just can’t take it all in.  I am not sure if we are meant to…I am thinkin we are not.

Maybe we have to become very good sifters.  Sifters of our reality.  Sifters of information.  What do we want to take in…what do we want to leave out?  Were do we want to focus our energy?  What changes do we want to be a part of?  Where does our inspiration land?

I know some folks who are taking action to help in the gulf…physically being present down there.  That is not what resonates for me.  I am working with some clients who live down there to help them with what is going on…with how there lives have changed over night.  That kind of support does resonate with me.

We all have our ways of contributing.  Some are small…some are big.

And for some of us we can have conversations and share ideas.  Some of us can’t even talk about these sorts of things.

So where ever you are with all of this information I offer you the idea of becoming an excellent sifter.  Taking in what you can and leaving out what you can’t.  Doing those actions that inspire and leaving the ones that don’t (they will be inspiring to someone else).  And when the news gets too overwhelming…and even before you reach that point…turn it off and focus your attention on something that soothes your heart.

And for those of you who still like to know what is going on in the world but want a more uplifting focus, I have listed some good news sites.  These are only a few…there are tons more where these came from

good news network

Ode Magazine

positive news

Good news daily

Happy news

Positive economic news

Okie dokie…that’ll do it!

Peace~

]]> http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/cnn-you-are-bummin-me-out/feed/ 3 http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/groovy-goddess-where-did-you-get-that-dress/ http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/groovy-goddess-where-did-you-get-that-dress/#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:04:55 +0000 Lynne Morrell http://lynnemorrell.com/?p=703 I had a nice little meditation this morning…sitting on my comfy chair…outside in the sun.  It was one of those meditations where I became so quiet, that a butterfly landed on my leg and a goddess came down from above and shared some possibilities to a  question that I had been meditating on.  As I was receiving all of these super groovy gifts, I noticed that there was some internal drifting happening.

I was  surprised and excited that a swallowtail had landed on my leg…cuz that is super cool and groovy…and must mean something profound!  Right????

Another part of my mind was trying to document the fabulous words of wisdom being shared by this ethereal being…along with noticing what a cool gown the goddess babe was wearing.  Which lead me to wonder where she got that dress?  I loved the fabric!  I could make some awesome curtains for our bedroom with that fabric!!

And another part of me was noticing that the neighbors dogs had been barking for awhile prompting the human who lives there to come outside and start yelling at them to “shut the hell up!!!” 

As I brought my attention back to my meditation, the cool goddess babe shrugged her shoulders and told me she was gonna take off .  The dogs were distracting her too and she was getting a headache from all the barking!  So we said our good byes…and off she went.  By this time the butterfly had taken off as well and was floating  to it’s next adventure…and it was just me…sitting on a chair…outside in the sun…listening to the human next door continue to yell at her dogs.

I decided it was time to go in.

As I poured myself another cup of  coffee and sat down with my journal I started to laugh and shake my head.  What a funny meditation that was!  So much contrast.  And you know how I love contrast   From a sweet butterfly, to a groovy goddess babe with a slammin dress on, to barking dogs… to barking humans.

Interestingly enough…the question that I began my meditation with was “how can I be more focused in my day to day?”  I tend to flit from one thing to the next.  Like that butterfly.  I am focused on what is in front of me….but, then the next shiny object captures my attention.  (I have gotten up 3 times during this blog post to rinse out my coffee cup, to look out the window, and to feed the birds).

Now, I am not saying that this is a bad way of doing things….it’s just that I have these big projects I am working on. I am focused for a bit…gettin into a good groove, and then I start to drift.  The drifting tendency has made these projects go on for way too long.  In fact, if I keep drifting like this…I know that at some point, I am gonna disconnect from my momentum and put them down all together!

It is so funny to me that this groovy goddess shows up to share some brilliant wisdom….and what do I do?  I notice her dress and start to wonder how I could find that same material to make some curtains.  Talk about a major mental drift.  I mean don’t get me wrong, she was totally thrilled that I loved her dress…and she agreed that curtains would look awesome in that same fabric…but, that is not the point!

Or is it?

I just don’t know.

All I know is that I am beginning to drift again.  That same butterfly keeps floating past my window, beckoning me to come outside and see the new flowers that are beginning to bloom.  And I am dreaming of her dress….very cool fabric…maybe I can find some like that…on line?  Or at the fabric store?  Maybe I will go look for it…

not until I follow the butterfly~

As my friend Sheryl says:  Peace to your seeking heart!

There are several factors that have contributed to this little mind set of mine.  One  stems from the way I was raised.  Yep, blame it on childhood!!!  I lived in a home where a spade was NOT a spade but something else completely. And ya better not point out that it was really a spade cuz then you would be in deep doo-doo!

Another factor is that I am such an optimist/magical thinker/naive babe-a-roo.    I have always been this way.  If someone tells me that it is not a spade but a heart…I believe em. Not always….but often enough!  I just figure they know what they know and I am probably miss informed.  Or that maybe it is a spade and they see it as a heart and we can agree to disagree!

The other part of this is that for some reason calling a spade a spade has become a sort of negative thing.  Sorta like it’s not okay to call a pile of shit…a pile of shit.  Sometimes people want to throw glitter on it and call it an art project!  Sorry to be so crass here….but it makes my point so clearly!

I made the uncomfortable decision some months ago of ending a relationship due to pretty intense spade behaviors.  A very difficult decision for someone like me.  I tend to continue to throw glitter at things trying to reframe the hell out em so that they can work.  Or so that I can be more supportive…or a “good friend”…or or or…on and on it goes…name your poison!

But, finally one morning I woke up…and said “Hey that ain’t pretty…that is rotten.  And I don’t want to be around rotten.”

There were no reframes left.  There was only a pit of bad feelings in my stomach that I had tried to cover up for a long long long time.  So, I called the spade a spade.  And shockingly…the world did not end!  Another shock was that my fella and some other friends of mine had known the spade was a spade the whole time!

Okay…so not only am I an optimist/magical thinker and naive babe-a-r00….I am also not the sharpest tool in the shed!!!

Another surprise to me  happened after walking away from this is that things started to clear up.  Things that had been feeling vague and unclear…became crystal clear.  My ability to decipher my internal “yes” and “no” became more fluid. I saw the whole deck of cards…clearly without any of the suits super imposing themselves on each other.

How is that for some metaphorical languaging!!! 

Another way to put this is that I had taken some of my values too far.  I have strong values around relationships and loyalty.  I was focusing so much energy on being loyal to this friend and I simultaneously disconnecting from being loyal to myself.  The minute I reconnected with “loyalty to my Self” things became clear.

Interesting!

So my dear readers….I have a some questions for you to ponder:

What spades are easy for you to call?

What spades do you call hearts to make peace?

What is the one big spade that you have been avoiding?

What is the benefit of avoiding this spade?

What is the bummer of avoiding this spade?

If you were free to call this spade a spade…how would your life change?

Okie dokie artichokie’s….let me know how this goes:)

Feel free to share if inspired

Have a full deck kind of week!!!!!

When I ordered my first  frappachino last year, l fell in love with the yummy tasty cup of delight…pretty much right off the bat. I realized that this could be a problem.  One cuz I rarely fall in love with a food or beverage in that way…and two because I rarely fall in love with a food or beverage in that way!

And because of the unusual-ness of this whole experience, I knew the potential for indulgence was great.

Why shouldn’t I have one of these yummy cups of cold, whipped coffee goodness every day?  I deserve it right?

So what if they cost a wad of cash for each one?

I could just order a small!

So what if they have a bajillion calories per small cup?

I don’t need to eat anything else!!!!

So what if it is totally politically incorrect to go to starbucks everyday?

I could do the drive thru and no one would know!

I decided to give myself a frappachino budget.  I know.  I know.  Such a Virgo thing to do….

Anyway, I figured out my little budget (while dreaming of new ways to make more money so that I could increase this puny little wad!)  and off I went.  I decided that I could spend it any way I wanted.  What did I do?  I bought one everyday until the money ran out…which lasted about a week!

Funny thing was…after about a week…my love affair was quieting down.  The dreamy dates had become predictable.  The staff at starbucks were beginning to say “Hi” in a way to familiar tone.  And my stomach wasn’t liking the major sugar infusion at all!!!!

It was time to end the little brief love affair.  And lucky for me…the weather had started to turn cold and so this choice felt pretty easy to make.  Onward to hot cups of chia.  Plus, I could make my own chia at home!

The other day, was a very warm day.  I had been out doing some errands and found a $5.00 bill hiding in my billfold.  I decided that it was the perfect day to have a frappachino!  Besides, I hadn’t had one since last fall!!!!  Couldn’t be that bad right?  I pulled into the Starbucks and breathed a sigh of relief when I didn’t recognize anyone.

Unknown person behind counter (Upbc):  “Hi there!!!!!  How can I help you????”

Me: (Feeling a little bit overwhelmed by the perkiness of this person): “Um…ya, I would like a grande frappachino”

Upbc:  “Oh my gawwwwdddddd!!!! That is my favorite drink EVEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!”

Me: Smiling “I know!  They are so yummy!”

As she turned to go make the drink, I noticed that her hands were shakin pretty bad.

Me:  “How many frappachino’s have you had today?”  said with a nice warm smile

Upbc:  “I know!!!  Right??!!!  I have had 4 of em.  My hands are even shakin!  I gotta stop having so many…they are sooooooooooooooooo addictive!!!  Right!!!???”

Me:  “They sure are!”

As she hands me my little cup of joy, I said ‘goodbye’ to her and then headed out to my car.  After taking one sip…I knew that the love affair was back.  I was just in a more mature place with it.  I made the decision right then and there to enjoy my love of frappachino’s in a more relaxed way.

Once in awhile.

That’s it.

Once in a while.

For a treat!

Well, I gotta go now….ummmmm…errands…you know!

Then maybe…just for a treat…maybe…..I will stop by and say “hi” to  the Upbc.

She did invite me to come back

Have a delightful day~

That was the part that really got the tears going.

Can you imagine having to say goodbye to your children?  To your partner?  To your friends?

While I was jumping into this very sad image…my son stopped by.  He is so full of life.  Full of energy.  Alive and well.  And for a moment…just a split second…I felt bad that we were so alive and well.  As he shared his frustration about the traffic and the crappy drivers “here in Colorado” I relaxed and enjoyed the life and the frustration that was spilling out of him.

Then I got kind of annoyed…heard this before…when is he gonna get over it???? And then for a moment…just a split second…I felt bad that I had felt so annoyed.  What right do I have to be annoyed at my sons annoyance when there are people who are dying and families who are suffering?  What right do I have to thrive while others are seemingly not?

This was just a whisper of a thought.  Quick and to the point.

After my son left, I sat with this amazing paradox.  Pain and suffering on the one hand…thriving and joy on the other.  How do we hold them both?  Do we even want to hold them both?  Does holding them both muck things up for us?

One of the challenges for me living as a human on the planet…is that I want everyone to thrive.  Well, maybe that is not totally true!  There are some shitty people out there doing rotten things…I want them to suffer for it!!! Ahhhhhh…more paradoxes!  On the one hand, I have a very expansive capacity for love and compassion and then on the other hand I can be as punitive (in my mind) as the best of em.

Interestingly, (at least to me) is that there are rotten people out there having great lives and lovely people who have to suffer through lung cancer.  It is a head scratcher.  I just don’t get it.  And maybe that is part of the whole thing…it ain’t for me to get.

It is just a big ol’ paradox.

It is an “and/both” situation.

It is a huge gargantuan pile of contrast.

And it is a major part of our journey as humans on the planet.  On the one hand…this is so beautiful and on the other hand…that is so not.  On the one hand…this feels so wonderful and on the other hand…that felt so painful.  On the one hand this is so fun…on the other hand…that over there sucks so bad.

And I suppose this is part of what makes being alive so incredible.  We need contrast to see, to hear, to taste, to touch…to learn….to grow….on and on and on.  You can’t have dark without the light. You can’t feel fully awake without some good sleep.

So, I guess there is no conclusion for this post.  I have been trying to find a whitty closing for days.  I guess I will just end this here…filled with contrast and wonder…filled with questions and no clear answers…sittin’ here in the paradox of being a human on this planet.

Bye for now~