photo credit: wheeldog

Hi.

I am back.

Sorta.

Where have I been?

Well, I have been traveling all over the world.  From England to Scotland to Ireland to Austria to Germany to Australia to New Zealand. I traveled through out Canada and all through out the US.

Whew.

I am exhausted.

Actually, I am lying like a sack of potatoes.

I wish this were true.

But, alas…it isn’t.

I have had some major writers block.

Major.

I continue to journal.  I continue to do my morning meditations.  I am even working out again.

But writing a blog?

It just hasn’t been happening.

Not at all.

Lots of great ideas.

But, as soon as I sit down to write about them…the toilet starts whispering in my ear:  “Clean me”

Or the laundry mumbles something from the hamper: “Wash me!”

Then I notice these big things floating around on the floor.  They dance about, trying to get my attention: “Sweep me!”  And before they attack anyone, I get up and sweep them away.

I sit down.  And try again.

As I look out the window…gathering my thoughts, a butterfly floats into my view…and I have to follow it.

I just have to!

And then once I am outside, there are weeds to be pulled, gardens to clip back.  Birds to hear…bunnies to smile at. Cartwheels to do on the grass.

I come back in.  Sit down and try again.

Ah, but then the next thought floats in.

“Call mom”  She is done with lunch now.  The nursing home has very set times for meals.  She does better in the afternoon.  Her Alzheimer’s mind is better able to focus. Good time to call her.

I have to be in a good head space to make these calls.

I take a deep breath, do a wee bit of tapping, and dial the phone.

The conversations are getting shorter and shorter.  They are sometimes very strange.  And sometimes they are very sad.

Lots of things to blog about due to these weird and unsettling conversations.

I sit down. And try again.

As I gather my thoughts together to share about this journey,  I feel deflated.  Another butterfly floats into my view. This time, I don’t follow it.  I don’t go outside and listen to the birds sing, or watch the bunnies hop about. I don’t do any cartwheels.

I am completely out of creative energy.

It was barely there.

Now it has floated away.

I am imagine it floating away with the butterfly~ Maybe it will be transformed into something light and beautiful.

Maybe.

Like when I drove into town and all the lights turned green and I cruised right on through.  To make this even more cool was the music that I had playing…it just fit so nicely…a groovy little hum.

Then there was this fabulous check that showed up in the mail from a client…she said it was a tip for all of the wonderful work we are doing together.  How cool is that???  What a fun surprise!!!

Then there were the cozy clean sheets waiting for me when I jumped into bed last night.  My fella and I jumped into bed…it was so cold outside and we were so cozy inside.   Dontcha just love that????

And then this morning, my fella was playing his guitar and our dog was howling along with him.  And there was the moment when I joined her in howling. 

Oh and then there was the lovely bath that I took this morning.  I love that I can just turn a know and all of this amazing hot water comes out.  To add to the fun, Santa brought me some yummy bubble bath and some candles.  In goes the bubbles, strike goes the match…up fills the water…and I got myself a little party I am laying in the luxurious bath, that smells amazing…the dog is howlin, my dude is playing music and I am reading the really fun book.  What a fabulous morning.

I just love the richness of all of this.  Some moments are sad and scary.  Some moments are surprising. Some moments are frustrating and annoying.  Some moments are fresh and new.  Some moments are awkward and some are graceful.  Some moments are down right hilarious…and some are not.

It is amazing how we can experience all of this…sometimes  in the same day.   This is something all of us humans have in common.

So, even though we sometimes loose our minds…we can also sing a pretty cool tune~

I know that sounds like a fortune cookie…but, I just couldn’t help myself

Note to self…keep breathing when you are on the phone with her!

I had been holding my breath for the last handful of minutes towards the end of the call while she was crying and begging me to come out and help her.  I told that I would be there soon.  Soon in her world is an ever changing thing. Soon in my world means about 3 weeks.  But, who knows if she will even be here by then.  Part of me hopes she will be gone, part of me wants to see her one last time.

My intuitive sense says she will be here for a bit longer…but who knows.

She is in a nursing home now.

Landed there last week.

She stopped getting out of bed (again), stopped eating and drinking (again).  She is too weak to get out of bed now.  She is wearing depends now.  She is also having some pretty wild hallucinations. Some of them are friendly…hangin out with my dad, her brother or her sister (all of these folks have already left the building).  But, some of them are really scary.  She thinks that she is trapped in the basement of a hospital and no one will let her go home.  The other night it was being trapped in a hotel basement…and no one would let her go home.

There certainly is a lot of truth in these nightmares.  She is trapped. And we won’t let her go home.

Well, she can’t go home.  She can’t take care of herself any longer.

I keep trying to reach for some humor in all of this…and I just can’t.  It just isn’t funny.  Not today anyway.

I have had some funny conversations with my dad though.  You see, my brother and I are kind of pissed of at him for heading out before mom.  He left us with a handful.  He would have been easy if my mom had died before him…but no!  he just had to check out before her.  Selfish man!!!  So, in my dream the other night, I was fussin at him for this mess and told him to come and get her.  He just laughed and laughed. I asked him what was so funny?  He said “This is all up to her.”

Crap.  He is right.  This is all up to her.

When that part of her (what ever that part is), is ready to let go…she will head on out.  Until then, I gotta keep breathing and reminding myself that this is her process.

And while I wait for the inevitable…my son is getting ready to go to Moscow.  My other son is living his fabulous life in Arizona.  My fella and I are enjoying our lives together.  My work is fulfilling and creative. I am learning how to fuse glass.

It snowed this weekend and it is beautiful outside~

photo credit: Shootingsnow

I recently received an email from a fabulous reader of this blog.  She was wondering what was goin on?  How come I stopped writing?  Was I going to blog again? She had mentioned my blog to a bunch of her friends only to realize that I had stopped writing.  Ooops.  Sorry bout that!

So, I will attempt to fill you all in and then (I am hoping) that this will magically free me up to start writing again.  Here’s to hoping….cheers

My last blog post was September 17th…that was when the organ came to live with my fella and I.  Remember that?  Well, the organ found a way into the house and has been enjoying a well played existence ever since.

The blog post prior to that talked about my mom.  And as those of you who have dealt with this sort of thing in your own life know…demented parents become more demented.  Things have not gotten better for her…nor for the rest of us.  We have found her a lovely woman to come by a few times a week to care for her and that is a relief on many levels.  But, this is not enough.  She will be heading to a nursing home soon.  Unless, she decides to head out of here before then.  Which I hope she does.  I realize that I have no say in this part of things.  Her life and her death are her journey.

During these last couple of months, while my mom has been drifting in between the worlds, I have had many moments of deep healing.  Between her moments of nastiness, there have been moments of forgiveness.  During moments of bone deep exhaustion, there have been moments of sweet peace.  After a day of 20 calls, I say something that makes her laugh…out loud.  And the tension shifts.  After days of holding her hand while she trembles in fear, she sees an old dead loved one walking through the house and sighs into some hopefulness.

I have been living with in some very intense contrast.

While my mom drifts between the worlds, my fella is playing music in his studio.  New and fresh compositions.

While my mom drifts between the worlds, my son is planning his trip to Moscow to finish his last semester.  Only 10 students are chosen per year (in the whole world). He was one of the chosen for this year.  I am so proud of my son…can’t stop grinning when I think about it

While my moms drifts between the worlds, my other son is off doing his fun life.  Workin, school and writing.  I am so excited for him.  He embraces life and follows his inspiration.  I am so proud of my son~

While my mom drifts between the worlds…we bought a new dishwasher!  Our old one died about 3 years ago.  Not only did we buy a new dishwasher…but we bought new dishware!  We were down to 3 dinner plates!  So, we have beautiful dishes to put into our beautiful dishwasher   Life is good!!!

While my mom drifts between the worlds…I have attracted a bunch of new fabulous clients.  When I look at my calendar in the mornings, I am so excited to see all of the wonderful folks that I have the honor to work with.  Folks that I have worked with for a long time, some for a while and some brand new.  Life is good!!!!!

While my mom drifts between the worlds…I have been creating a fantastic new website with my brilliant friend, Carol Robin.  It is called “Doors to Wellness: A community of healing possibilities.” We are going to be having interesting and intriguing conversations with well known folks as well as folks you may have never heard of…focusing on ‘What is healing anyway?’  Exploring this topic from many different perspectives and offering members fantastic resources and tools to support folks along their individual journeys.  We are hoping to launch the site in the next couple of months   I will tell ya more soon

While my mom drifts between the worlds…I have been co creating with my wonderful friend Christine,  a 4 week teleclass that begins this January.  “Doing hard Things:  Making our way through the seemingly impossible.” If you are interested in learning more, check out my classes page or stop by Christine’s site~  We would love to have you there

While my mom drifts between the worlds… two very cool babes that I know…left.  They didn’t drift…they died in a blink of an eye…or it seemed like it was a blink of an eye.

I realize, now that I am writing this all down…it has been a busy couple of months.  Lots of wonderful, exciting things and lots of really sad, frustrating things.

And I am here riding this wave of contrast~  feet on the board.  Sometimes, I feel steady and excited that I am riding this powerful wave.  Sometimes, I loose my center and I am afraid that I will be slammed down by this wave.

Whether I stay on the board or not…the beach is really close.

The sun is out.

The birds are singin and playin in the surf.

And it is beautiful day~

photo credit: SarahMcManiman

Yesterday, my fella took off in the morning to go play at the local porn shops…oops…I mean PAWN shops!   He dreams of finding a 1961 Strat guitar…or some other hidden gem. He has brought home many different things…zithers, pedals, books, old guitars…and one really unusual home made somethin (I think the person was goin for a guitar…but I dunno).  So, we have this strange collection of stuff and things…that gets tucked into the garage and in various nooks and crannies in his studio (which is approximately 10 x 11).

After he returned home from his adventures…he was unusually quiet.

As we sat down to eat some lunch together…I could feel his sidelong glances.

All of a sudden, he blurts out “I bought an organ!!!!”  and gives me a huge (and rather nervous) grin.

Me:  An organ?

Fella:  Yep!  It is a Hammond M3!!  It is really cool and I have always wanted one…AND it was only $50 bucks!”

Me:  An organ?

Fella:  It is so cool and if I decide not to play it I can sell the parts…I can sell the tubes for more than what I bought it for!!!   (Big grin).

Me: An organ?

Fella:  Yep.  An organ!!!  I can sell the tubes and the speaker…probably could make a couple hundred bucks! The only problem is…..

Me:  (Trying to keep my face both neutral and supportive)  Hmmmm?

Fella:  It is 256 lbs.  It took 3 big guys to help me get it into the car!!!

Me:  There is an organ in your car that weighs 256 lbs?????  How are we gonna get it out of your car?  And where are you going to put it?

And as you can guess….things sorta went down hill from there.

Within an hour, he had made room in the garage “to store it just for now!” and then the big plan is to somehow…I guess by magic…move it into his studio.  Did I mention before that his studio is the size of a shoe box?  And did I already mention that his room is FULL of stuff?

We got it out of his car.  Which went surprisingly well.  And now we have an organ in the garage.

Here are some more fun details that I haven’t mentioned.  It is a 1959 Hammond M3…which means it is not only frickin heavy….it is BIG.  It has a BIG stool to sit on….and it is really really really BIG.  So, we have a HUGE BIG 1959 Hammond organ in our garage.

And some day, really really soon…it is gonna be in our house.

I fell off the planet for a while and just found a way to hop back on.  With the exception of getting used to gravity again…and all that means to my newly fabulous 48 year old body…I am doing just dandy!

And because I am getting into the swing of things…as much swing as I can get on a gravity based planet…I have stolen todays post from Rob Brezney.  I couldn’t help it.  It is just so flippin brilliantly great…I just had to share it with you.

So…without further ado….

Here is Rob

HOW IS ENLIGHTENMENT LIKE A MILLION-DOLLAR VACATION HOME?

For some seekers, spiritual enlightenment is the ultimate commodity.
They believe that through diligent meditation and self-_improvement,
there will come a day when it will no longer elude their grasp. Breaking
through to the singular state of cosmic consciousness, they will forever
after own it, free and clear. Permanently illuminated! Never to backslide
into the dull ignominy of normal human awareness!

Here’s what I have to say about that:_It’s a delusion.

The fact is, the nature of perfection is always mutating. What constitutes
enlightenment today will always be different tomorrow. Even if _you’re
fortunate and wise enough to score a sliver of “enlightenment,” it’s not a
static treasure that becomes your indestructible, everlasting possession.
Rather, it remains a mercurial knack that must be continually re_earned.

If you want to befriend the Divine Wow, you must not only be willing to
change ceaselessly — you have to love to change ceaselessly.

Lucky you: All of creation is conspiring to help you live like that.

+

CERTIFICATE OF EXEMPTION FROM ENLIGHTENMENT

This document certifies that _____________________ is immune to
the lust for enlightenment and is exempt from the need to seek
enlightenment.

This document also certifies that _____________________ has seen
through the fraud of the enlightenment con game and is excused from
further clawing and scraping to own a piece if that specious reward.

This document further certifies that _____________________ is free
from the temptation to be consecrated as enlightened by any guru, saint,
holy person, or religious organization that claims the right to do so.

Finally, this document certifies that _____________________ has
already been enlightened a million times in a million different ways
anyway, and that seeking even further enlightenment would be redundant
and even greedy.

To ensure the continued validity of this document
_____________________ vows to regularly renew these three
understandings: that it is impossible to ever reach a complete and
permanent state of enlightenment; that there is no single state of
awareness that constitutes enlightenment; and that since the nature of
reality keeps changing, the nature of enlightenment keeps changing as
well.

I have mine signed and blown up on my wall

Signed: enlighten smighten in Loveland~

One of the aspects of dementia is that the person who is demented…(Can I say that?) becomes very good at compensating.  If mom doesn’t remember something or something confuses her she will start to mumble…change the subject…lie… or strike.   All are very effective…especially the strike.

Brilliant way to get everyone to back the hell off so that she can internally settle herself.

After one particularly dizzying strike, I was thinking about the amazing ability humans have of defending themselves.  We all compensate.  We all have our own version of puffing up when feeling under attach and scared.  We all have our ways of protecting the self.

We also have unique styles of compensation that focuses on how to navigate in our environments.

Blind people compensate by using their hearing and sense of touch in amplified ways.  They can ‘see’ through their hearing.

I went to a concert once with my girlfriend who was deaf.  She compensated for her deafness by standing right next to the speakers…feeling the sound vibration and moved to the pulse that she felt through her skin.  We had a great time dancing together~

Jerry Garcia had one of his fingers cut off as a kid…he learned to play guitar with four fingers. He had to learn a different way to play…he found a way that worked.  Worked really really well!!!!

Replace “compensate” with “thrive”…

Or maybe replace “compensate” with “adapt”…

It is interesting…isn’t it?

I want to bring this back to how my mom is being quite creative in her ways of compensation.

She has always written lists.  Makes sense.  If you might forget something…write it down.  Now her lists are becoming quit epic.  She writes down EVERYTHING.  Sometimes the list help her to focus and feel less confused.

But, sometimes there is a paradox within compensation!  She has so many lists around that the lists are confusing her.  I have gotten into the habit of telling her “I will write it down for you…and then I will remind you~”  She likes this.  Immediate relief for her.

So, now I am compensating for her compensation

I do the same thing.  I write things down so  I won’t forget them.  I am compensating for a very limited brain capacity for particular details.  Especially when it comes to technology.  There are all of these little steps that I must take in order to post this blog, or to add a link to my website…or to copy and paste something!!  All of these details are in a notebook titled “Stupid dummy dumb dumb technological instructions!“  Works great for me…with a touch of humor…more compensation   If I can laugh…I won’t be in the fetal position under my desk. And…I actually can get some things done!

So, my mother is attempting to adapt…to compensate for the slipper slope of her mind.  Pretty damned brilliant.  She also uses this compensation of emotion and behavior (mumbling, changing the subject, lying…and striking) to keep her fear at bay.  Brilliant yet again.  It would scare the crap out of her if she fully realized what was happening…in fact, I think her mind is protecting her from this realization…so that she won’t be so afraid.  More brilliance.

Now I realize that I am being Little Ms Intellectual here…but, I am gonna chalk that up to my brilliant ways of compensating.  This soothes me.  Tunes me into the feelings of compassion and curiosity.  It also makes me smile…thinking of my mom as a Super Adapter…as a Super Compensator in the face of this scary situation.

This ability to compensate…to adapt…certainly changes from day to day.  Sometimes I am better at it…then other times.

So dear readers…I know I am being a bit long winded here…I had lots of thoughts that I deleted   …

How about you?

What ways do you compensate/adapt to new and challenging situations?

Do you find it a wee bit bumpy as well?

Well, I am off to go call my mom…I have a note here to remind her of something (which I almost forgot to do!)

Bye for now~

I know that I need to go visit…but when?

Maybe it is not as bad as I am thinking.  She has always been a handful with a mean edge.

I want to do some writing about this.  But is that being disloyal?

Visiting…I do need to go out to visit.  In the fall.  Maybe we can all go out for Thanksgiving…she would like that.  I need to go out soon before this thing takes over!

Badly….Well, it is as bad as I have been thinking.  In fact, it is progressing alarmingly quickly.

Writing…I have decided to write about  this…tenderly and a wee bit gingerly.  She doesn’t read this blog…and if she did…hmmmmm…might not be good.   I am still unsure if this is being disloyal (I mean this is pretty intense dirty laundry!) . But, I think that writing about this could be cathartic for me…and possibly for those of you who are going through a similar experience.

So, I am ready to take the plunge. Dirty laundry…here I come.

You see, my mom is diving head first into dementia.  I think she knows it.  But, she won’t let us talk to her about it.  She gets very defensive and aggressive when we even whisper in that direction.  She has always been a difficult person.  Highly aggressive and very defensive.  And now…..

It is getting worse.

Yesterday she called me “stupid” and said I was a “fat pig.”

How does that even come up in a conversation?

These are not new terms of endearments…but, she won’t remember saying this when I call her today.  It will be all erased.  For her.

Must be nice.

I also recognize that behind this nasty edge…is an elderly woman who is really scared.  Maybe this has been behind her nasty edge all along.  Maybe she has always been a fearful woman.  I just don’t know.

On one hand my heart goes out to her.  I don’t want her to be afraid.  I want her to feel safe and cozy in her world.  I want her last bit of time in this life to be filled with good stuff…not this.

On the other hand I feel such intense resentment.  Not an emotion that I land in very often.  But here it is.  Raw.  And sometimes it is so intense that I see dots in front of my eyes!   She gets to go off into her own little world and leave a wave of destruction behind her. She gets to have amnesia.

But, isn’t that how it has always been?  What is so different now?

I guess now the difference is that she is old and frail. Instead of self righteously wanting to pop her in the nose…and tell her to fuck off… I want to cry.  I want to give her a big hug and tell her that everything is going to be okay.

And then there are the strange times when I feel angry at my dad for heading out early.  He probably saw this comin and decided to get the hell out of dodge.  Chicken shit.

My mind tries to tell me that there are things that I can be doing to change this.  I think that is my inner optimist…or my inner magical thinker.  I am not sure there is anything to do…I am not sure there is anything I can change…

…except things within myself.

That is the only thing I have a say over….

…and that sucks!

If I see one more pelican covered in oil…

If I see Anderson Cooper in one more tight black t-shirt (though he does look cute as a button!)…

If I see one more sad story…

I will fall so deep into a pit of despair…

Well, not that deep.  I am too much of an optimist to go to far down.  But, I sure have been getting my toes wet.

The challenge with all of this news is that there is so much information out there that I can’t do anything about.  Yes, I have signed a bunch of petitions.  Yes, I have written my congressman.  Yes, I have thought of going down there to help with the clean up… Yes, I have done tapping for the gulf…meditations for the gulf…all of that stuff.

And the sad news just keeps coming.

So, what do we do with all of this?  What do we do with the tragedy’s that are happening over there and still be present with our lives over here?  Can we hold sadness for that while appreciating and loving this?

In the history of this planet…we have never seen so much information at our fingertips…in the air…surrounding us.  We just can’t take it all in.  I am not sure if we are meant to…I am thinkin we are not.

Maybe we have to become very good sifters.  Sifters of our reality.  Sifters of information.  What do we want to take in…what do we want to leave out?  Were do we want to focus our energy?  What changes do we want to be a part of?  Where does our inspiration land?

I know some folks who are taking action to help in the gulf…physically being present down there.  That is not what resonates for me.  I am working with some clients who live down there to help them with what is going on…with how there lives have changed over night.  That kind of support does resonate with me.

We all have our ways of contributing.  Some are small…some are big.

And for some of us we can have conversations and share ideas.  Some of us can’t even talk about these sorts of things.

So where ever you are with all of this information I offer you the idea of becoming an excellent sifter.  Taking in what you can and leaving out what you can’t.  Doing those actions that inspire and leaving the ones that don’t (they will be inspiring to someone else).  And when the news gets too overwhelming…and even before you reach that point…turn it off and focus your attention on something that soothes your heart.

And for those of you who still like to know what is going on in the world but want a more uplifting focus, I have listed some good news sites.  These are only a few…there are tons more where these came from

good news network

Ode Magazine

positive news

Good news daily

Happy news

Positive economic news

Okie dokie…that’ll do it!

Peace~

]]> http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/cnn-you-are-bummin-me-out/feed/ 3 http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/groovy-goddess-where-did-you-get-that-dress/ http://lynnemorrell.com/2010/07/groovy-goddess-where-did-you-get-that-dress/#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:04:55 +0000 Lynne Morrell http://lynnemorrell.com/?p=703 I had a nice little meditation this morning…sitting on my comfy chair…outside in the sun.  It was one of those meditations where I became so quiet, that a butterfly landed on my leg and a goddess came down from above and shared some possibilities to a  question that I had been meditating on.  As I was receiving all of these super groovy gifts, I noticed that there was some internal drifting happening.

I was  surprised and excited that a swallowtail had landed on my leg…cuz that is super cool and groovy…and must mean something profound!  Right????

Another part of my mind was trying to document the fabulous words of wisdom being shared by this ethereal being…along with noticing what a cool gown the goddess babe was wearing.  Which lead me to wonder where she got that dress?  I loved the fabric!  I could make some awesome curtains for our bedroom with that fabric!!

And another part of me was noticing that the neighbors dogs had been barking for awhile prompting the human who lives there to come outside and start yelling at them to “shut the hell up!!!” 

As I brought my attention back to my meditation, the cool goddess babe shrugged her shoulders and told me she was gonna take off .  The dogs were distracting her too and she was getting a headache from all the barking!  So we said our good byes…and off she went.  By this time the butterfly had taken off as well and was floating  to it’s next adventure…and it was just me…sitting on a chair…outside in the sun…listening to the human next door continue to yell at her dogs.

I decided it was time to go in.

As I poured myself another cup of  coffee and sat down with my journal I started to laugh and shake my head.  What a funny meditation that was!  So much contrast.  And you know how I love contrast   From a sweet butterfly, to a groovy goddess babe with a slammin dress on, to barking dogs… to barking humans.

Interestingly enough…the question that I began my meditation with was “how can I be more focused in my day to day?”  I tend to flit from one thing to the next.  Like that butterfly.  I am focused on what is in front of me….but, then the next shiny object captures my attention.  (I have gotten up 3 times during this blog post to rinse out my coffee cup, to look out the window, and to feed the birds).

Now, I am not saying that this is a bad way of doing things….it’s just that I have these big projects I am working on. I am focused for a bit…gettin into a good groove, and then I start to drift.  The drifting tendency has made these projects go on for way too long.  In fact, if I keep drifting like this…I know that at some point, I am gonna disconnect from my momentum and put them down all together!

It is so funny to me that this groovy goddess shows up to share some brilliant wisdom….and what do I do?  I notice her dress and start to wonder how I could find that same material to make some curtains.  Talk about a major mental drift.  I mean don’t get me wrong, she was totally thrilled that I loved her dress…and she agreed that curtains would look awesome in that same fabric…but, that is not the point!

Or is it?

I just don’t know.

All I know is that I am beginning to drift again.  That same butterfly keeps floating past my window, beckoning me to come outside and see the new flowers that are beginning to bloom.  And I am dreaming of her dress….very cool fabric…maybe I can find some like that…on line?  Or at the fabric store?  Maybe I will go look for it…

not until I follow the butterfly~

As my friend Sheryl says:  Peace to your seeking heart!