I was at the gym this morning, having finished my upper body work out, I got ready to do the elliptical. I checked out some magazines and decided to brave "Vogue". Usually, I read the decorating magazines or browse through People magazine…but, today was different.
Now folks who know me, know that I am not a fashionista…I am more of a frumpanista! Working from home has bought this fashion sense to an all new level….the pants I have on right now, which I call my gardening pants, are so big that I have to continually pull them up. They also have stains all over them….paint, and weird spots that seem to move after I put them in the wash. The tee shirt that I am sporting is about 10 years old and has dancing women on it…the image makes me happy. If this shirt ever dies, the dancing women will have to go on a pillow. Yes, I love them that much!!!!
Okay, so back to my story!
As I picked up the Vogue magazine, I noticed that I was actually feeling self conscious. The babe on the cover was so fancy….and here I was, hair a mess, sweaty and probably stinky! I looked around, I guess I was making sure "no one" saw me with the magazine, and I jumped on the elliptical for more sweating and stinking adventure!
Flipping through the first gazillion pages, which was all advertisement….I am not sure what they were advertising….everyone was just dressed in all sorts of ways doing all sorts of strange poses…I noticed that my critic was running quite the diatribe! Making up stories about the pictures that I was looking at.
"Oh, look at me with my 40inch heals running down the street, with a weird outfit on, looking scared!"
On and on my little nasty critic went!
Finally, I found some pages with actual words on them. Ah, now I can just read and not notice that I am about to pass out on this elliptical machine! I started reading about some person who was at some restaurant wearing some designer…ah. where the hell am I? I didn’t understand any of this!
Fashionistas have their own language. Did you know that?
Took a quick drink of water, which I spilled down the front of me. Just adding to my allure, I am sure!
As I continued flippin through, I found an actual article about a woman who used to be a model and quit so that she could eat and have a family. As I read this article, I kept thinking of what a strange paradox this all was: I am at the gym to strengthen and feel good in my body…reading a magazine that brings me to places where I question my body and what I cover it up with….reading an article about a woman who almost killed herself to stay at a size "0" printed in a magazine with models who wear clothes that only look good if you are a thin woman~
Wow!
Allowing my thoughts to wander….I realized that much of what I was looking at explored "deprivation" and "indulgence" all in the same breath. The woman in the article talked about getting ready for fashion week (uh…whatz that?) and how all the models would be depriving themselves of food so that they could fit into the clothes. She mentioned that eating more than a handful of grapes was considered a binge! All of this deprivation, to wear something beautiful and luxurious.
What a contrast!
As I drove home, feeling physically tired, yet energized…I started to wonder in what areas of my life do I continue to deprive myself. I realized that I deprive myself of wearing pretty clothes because I work at home. I also deprive myself of enjoying fashion, out of some strange rebellion left over from my teen years.
When I go shopping for clothes, I hear myself say "That shirt is beautiful but, I work at home…I don’t really need it." Or "I can’t wear that, its too fancy for someone like me!" Or "$40 for a shirt….I will wait until it is on sale." (even though that shirt would look great on me and I KNOW that I won’t come back and get it).
I like when I get to go visit friends because I always wear something pretty and nice…what is it that stops me from doing that when I am home alone?
I love working out and how my body feels when I am done. So, what about dressing my body in ways that feel good too? I love surrounding myself with beauty…my house is beautiful, my garden is beautiful, I have beautiful fabrics on my windows…I think that it might be time to drape myself with some beautiful clothes even though I am at home working! What started me thinking that dressing nice when I am at home was overindulging?
Oh, how our minds can twist and distort!
Wow…all of this from just picking up a magazine!
How about you?
Where in your life do you deprive your self?
Where do you allow indulgence?
Is it possible that some things you label "indulgence" might be called self care? (Yes, I KNOW this is a leading question!)
I think I am gonna go put my new dress on…it is sky blue with fun colorful flowers on it…flowing, comfy, and pretty.
Have a beautiful day!
August 1st, 2007
I can totally relate. Especailly being super preggers right now, nothing fits, nothing looks right or cute to me, yet people all over are telling me how cute I look. I totally don’t believe them, I think they are just trying to get on my good side since I’m borderline in this summer heat! The worst is the maternity swimsuit, I just want to float and cool down. Then the inner critic pipes in as soon as I try to get the darn thing on my body. So what if I look like a bright blue sausage with very wiggly thighs? Yet I allow that inner statement to take away my cool floaty joy. It eventually passes, but the fact it is even there is aggravating. I guess we all have that skinny, fashonista, sorority girl in our heads….
August 1st, 2007
Thanks for your comment Megan. I think it is amazing that you have held it together so well in this discusting heat. You have incredible stamina and strength. These inner fashionista critics are so ruthless…how can they come out when your 10 gazillion months pregnant…cruel…just plain cruel!
Anytime you want to go swimming give me a call! I don’t mind if you look like a “bright blue sausage with wiggly thighs” because I think you are cute a button anyway!!!! Lets go float!
August 1st, 2007
Before my Lynne comment, I have a Megan comment–I am SO sorry you are pregnant at this time of year. I had my daughter in February and thought I was going to die of the heat (in OHIO!). Have a good float and know that this, too, shall pass.
Now, on to my Lynne comment–this is so amazing because I’ve been thinking about clothes for the longest time and just haven’t done anything about it. It was the same thing for me–“I work at home so I ‘don’t have to’ get ‘dressed up.'” What that doesn’t speak to is what makes me feel good.
That lead me to wondering what clothes would make me feel good. Off I went to my closet. Good grief! I have almost no feel good clothes at all. In fact, I think I could get rid of 90% of my clothes and not miss them even a tiny bit. (Not so good at indulging any time at all–EVER!)
As I said, I have been thinking about this and here’s what I’ve decided. First I want to figure out what makes me feel good when I see it and (more importantly) when I wear it. Then I’m going to start getting/making more of that stuff. One thing I already know is that pants that fit make me feel good and pants that don’t fit make me feel awful. I haven’t found a pair of pants that actually fit in something like 5 or 6 years and those are finally wearing out completely–the good news is, they’ll make a great pattern for new ones. So, I will sew.
…and I will start paying attention to what feels good.
August 1st, 2007
Thanks for your comment Cynthia~
Interesting huh? I did the same thing…looked in my closet and found a bunch of clothes that I love…I just only wear them when I go out and about. I am gonna start wearing them around home too. Feels way better than my schleppy ole’ pants:)
Enjoy your sewing. How cool that you can make your own clothes…I am still trying to fiure out how to sew a zipper into a pillow:)
Bye fer now!
August 1st, 2007
Lynne, I love how you described your internal dialogue in this piece. It’s amazing what we think we do not have any right to…and how we think others are judging us exactly like the voice in our heads! I’ve had plenty of experiences where I’ve walked into a store or looked at a publication and thought everyone else must think I am SO out of place…but I’m sure no one actually gave a damn. Well, maybe except for the bitchy, nasty people, and do I care what they think? I kind of WANT to piss them off! HA!
Thanks again for a great post.
August 1st, 2007
Thanks for your comment ALix! Oh, I love what you said about the bitchy and nasty people…it is kind fun to piss those folks off:) I was once looked up and down and smirked at (no, I was NOT imagining this) in a boutique in Santa Barbara. I was holding Ethan (he was an infant) and I felt so weird by the stares! I was so freaked out by this…I was way way younger. Once I left the store, I realized that Ethan had barfed down the back of my dress all his formula…my dress was soaked and he probably barfed all over the beautiful hardwood floors. Hmmmmm maybe that is why they were learing at me:)
Maybe I need to blog about this cause it was pretty funny. Pay back is a bitch!