Hi everyone~

I know that it has been awhile since I have posted anything here.  I have been writing a variety of posts…and then deleting them.  The delete button is my new favorite key.  I just can’t seem to get enough of it.  Last week, I spent two hours writing about how god created the pyramid scheme…and then felt like the two posts were way too edgy…so I deleted them.  The week before that, it was a tirade on how fucked up and creepy Sarah Palin is, how happy I am for SNL….and then deleted those posts too.  I decided they were way to opiniated.  Then there were the posts discussing this economic situation this country is in….and those posts just seemed cynical.  So…I deleted them.

I try to write about topics that explore this thing called “being alive”…using some humor and lots of irreverence.  And because I have such a variety of folks reading this blog, I try to write from an open minded perspective…in a way that supports a variety of world views.  Hence….my new favorite key…the DELETE button.

I am sorry to say that right now…I am just pissed.  I am pissed off at the repulicans….the religious fanatics…the bush administration…health insurance…and just for laughs…I will add fox news to the list.

I might be twisting the truth a bit here.  I am pissed but mostly, I am scared.  I am scared for my sons, I am scared for this country if McCain wins, I am scared for my family because our health insurance has denied my claim.  Not only that…they are dropping me as of November 5th….yep!  I am scared.

I don’t get scared that easily.

Well, okay.  Maybe that isn’t totally true either.  Put a big hairy spider on the floor and I will be screamin for my fella in a second.  I don’t watch horror movies…because ya never know…some of that just might happen.  Right????  I have a night light on in the bathroom cuz ya never know when something big and spooky is gonna jump out from behind the shower curtain.


So, I do get scared that easily.

I guess what would be a more honest thing to say is that I don’t like to be scared.  I do what I can to move away from thoughts that scare me….hence being pissed!  Being pissed off feels so much better than being scared.

I keep asking myself: “What would soothe me right now?”

Different moments bring different answers.

Sometimes I go for a walk.  Sometimes I call a friend.  Sometimes I take a bath.  Sometimes I read. Sometimes I write scathing blog posts about this that and the other thing…then delete them.  Sometimes I sit out in the sun and breathe.  Who knew that deep breathing could settle one down so well?????  Sometimes I head to the gym and do a hard core work out.  This tends to help settle me down really quickly.

Different moments bring different answers.

Then there are the times when I am locked into the fear.  Nothing feels soothing.  So, I stay with it.  Honor it.  Let it speak.  Until it runs out of “What if’s.”  Then, I can reach for a better feeling thought.

So, that is what has been happening in my neck of the woods.  Oh, and I pulled some muscles in my shoulder and neck moving my office furniture around…trying to change the energy in my office…cuz that always perks me up.  My space looks really cool…I just can’t turn my head!

Yep!  It has been a rough few weeks.

4 Responses to “Me and my “delete” button.”

  1. Have you considered starting another blog just for posts that you’d otherwise delete? You can get free blog software and server space at http://www.wordpress.com or http://www.blogspot.com. And it might be therapeutic for you to write about these topics.

    Losing health insurance is scary, no doubt about it. I’ve heard on NPR of an advocacy business that fights for insurance claims on the patient’s behalf. Your state’s Insurance Commissioner might have some free resources to help you, too.

    Good luck!

  2. Hey square peg,
    I have had some other folks mention me doing an alias blog. I am beginning to think that it might be a good idea.
    We have an insurance commission here in Colorado and they have no power except to for the insurance company to respond. We were about to fill out the commissioners application, when we finally heard from the insurance company (it has been almost 7 months). And because they took so long to let us know, we are unable to receive any help from the hospital because their programs help folks in the first 90 days.

    I am talking to the billing folks and everyone has been so kind and compassionate. One woman said Humana (which is the insurance company that did this) is the worst for paying out on policies. She said her sister had breast cancer and had to go through treatment and Humana said that her cancer was a “pre-existing condition.” I guess cuz she had breasts before she signed up for a policy!

    This is just one reason why Obama HAS to win this election. He will take on the insurance companies and change these policies.

    Okay…I am ranting again.
    Time for more coffee:)

  3. I SO agree with the scary part–I can actually squish a little spider now but the big ones–I still get all squeamish and stuff when I see them. I’ve gotten better at putting something over them (preferably something I can’t see through), slide a piece of cardboard under it (carefully, so I don’t kill it), and take it outside to release it into the wild. Why do that when they scare me so much? Because I can only imagine want it would feel/sound like if I tried to squish them. And what if it was quick and saw me coming and ran fast and then remembered who I was and attacked me in my sleep? OK, enough about spiders.

    Scary movies? Uh, I don’t think so! Two reasons–they scare the shit out of me and I, too, don’t want to think that stuff out there into the cosmos to join with other thoughts of scary movie stuff and we end up having scary movie stuff happening in the world–all that Law of Attraction stuff.

    I hadn’t thought about it before but I think I need a night light in the bathroom just because I could use a little bit of light in the middle of the night rather than turning on that obnoxious one on the ceiling.

    Anonymous blog: Go for it!!!! I think it’s a great idea. It could just be a very simple one with a very simple theme and, well, I’m sure we could think of some way to make it so no one actually knows it’s you by the url.

    Obama will win! Spend more time think that than thinking anything about the other folks. It’s not whether the thoughts are positive or negative–the amount with think about it and the intensity of the thoughts is what goes out there–Obama, Obama, Obama. He’ll make it. I just know it!

    :-) This got kind of long but, then, you know me–why use a few words when a bunch of them explains it so much better?

  4. Thanks for your comment Cynthia~ Obama…O-B-A-M-A!!!!!! He HAS to win. He will win. I am visualizing it every day:)

    As for night lights in the bathroom…mine is super cool…it doubles as an essential oil diffuser. Put some lavender in there…and off to sleep we go:) Plus, the boogie monster can’t get me. In fact, I don’t think the boogie monster likes lavender!

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