Sorry folks.
Still am not in the mood to write a jolly holly christmas post. It just ain’t happenin for me yet~
This morning when I woke up, I was feelin sorta insecure and jumpy. I snuggled closer to my fella to try and settle down. As soon as he got up to turn on the heat and make some coffee (he is such a good guy!) that jumpy feeling came back in a nice big I-just-want-to-jump-out-of-my-skin kind of way.
What the hell was this?
Then I remembered.
Last night I got a phone call that stirred up some old memories. Not particularly good ones! In fact, really scary ones. Ones that I thought were taken care of~
A client of mines daughter’s husband dropped dead yesterday. He got up from breakfast…and then he was gone. I never met him. But I know her. And I have a tiny idea of what just happened to her. I have my own version of this story. One that changed my life in a blink of an eye. One that I thought I was nice and distanced from.
As I hung up the phone, I noticed an unsettled feeling in my chest. My heart was racing way to fast. I looked at my fella and told him the story. He asked if I was okay. “Sure” I said. Then went back to reading my book. About a 1/2 hour later, I realized that I hadn’t comprehended anything that I had been reading. I looked up at my fella. “I am not really doing okay.” I told him.
I got up and sat next to him…snuggling in. Trying to settle the anxiety. Trying not to imagine him getting up from the chair and dropping dead. Trying to be in the present, cozy, safe…not dead moment.
Later, as we were drifting off to sleep I focused my thoughts on very alive things. Remembering moments in the day when we laughed so hard that I started crying…when we dropped my son off at the airport and he gave me a wide grin of a smile…when the squirrels were racing up the tree…when our dog laid her head on her new stuffed toy.
I fell asleep.
And then I had that dream again. The one where I am hangin out with dead folks and we are talking about what happens when you die. But, this time, I was hangin out with my dad telling him that I was afraid that my fella was going to die in a blink of an eye. He smiled at me and said “Yep! That’s about right!” Then he spent a weirdly long amount of time explaining to me what he meant….of which I can remember nothing!
Dontcha just hate that?
The answer to death was right at my fingertips. And then it was gone.
As I laid in bed waiting for the coffee to be ready…and for the house to warm up a bit…I thought about my dream. I thought about my dad. My friend Dianna. My husband John. My other friends and loved ones who checked out early. I had a soft lovely realization….I have loved well and I have been well loved. Not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.
I got up…headed to the kitchen and saw my fella pouring us some coffee. My eyes teared up. “You know…I love you to reeses pieces” I said to him. He looked at me with a warm smile. “I love you to reeses pieces too!” And then we gave each other a long and comfy hug.
I stepped back and looked at him.
“I hope I go the way he went. Have a yummy breakfast. Stand up. Drop Dead. But….”
I looked at my fella with my most stern look…
“…if you drop dead like that…I’m gonna kill ya!”
And then we both laughed knowing that there is nothin we can do. When it is time to go…it’s time to go. Until then, we just keep living, laughing, crying, getting mad, getting sad, being joyful, being fussy….loving not so well…
…and loving really well.
Have a lovely alive day~
December 14th, 2009
If you do suddenly drop dead (and I hope you don’t for a long time), will your husband sign on here and bid you farewell on this blog? Will he leave it up and renew the domain name and for how long?
Here’s an interesting NPR story about what can happen to the online content of dead people:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104024294
I joke about it here:
http://square–peg.blogspot.com/2009/05/myafterlife.html
December 14th, 2009
It’s really unsettling to have old anxieties stirred up — especially the kind based on very real trauma! I’m sending you big, warm hugs today.
December 14th, 2009
Thanks Alix
December 14th, 2009
hugs from me too!
I’ve been thinking about dying a lot lately. Me dying, not HIM. I am not ready. I have lots of shoulds. I hate shoulds.
December 14th, 2009
You made me cry, Lynne. This whole life/death/life thing is so confusing and about as full of emotion as it gets. Sure hope I can remember my FAQ list when I go. I have so very many questions about this life.
For now, like you, I just keep remembering how much I love and am loved. And I want to remind you that you are most certainly loved to reeses pieces – I’m one of those who are just plain crazy about you. You sure as heck better not even think about checking out early – or I’ll track you down so we can do BlogTalk radio from the other side. Now there’s a thought….
December 15th, 2009
Hey Tara~ Interesting about all of this death stuff and who we thinking about dying~ I never think about myself dying…just other people. And have you noticed that lots of folks seem to check out around this time of year? Very strange.
I hate shoulds too:)
December 15th, 2009
Hi Christine~ I am glad that you love me to reeses pieces…right back at ya my friend:)
I do like the idea of doing a radio show from the other side…intriguing indeedy!!! Maybe we want to play with this brilliant idea a bit more:)
Big love too You!!!! And too you Tara!!! An you too Alix:) And to all of my friends and loved ones XXXOOOOO
December 15th, 2009
Hey Mr Peg~ Sorry about the delay of posting your comment. No I didn’t drop dead…for some reason wordpress wanted my to “approve” your comment. Weird.
Anyhoo…nope my fella will not sign on and say “so long” for me if I die. One day I will just disappear. And that will be that.
December 16th, 2009
Lynne, this is “beyoutiful” and perfect for the holidays. Cyberhug for the tender places the hell of what you lived through left and and a high five for again, walking through tough feelings to not only a more comfortable place, but a humorous one.
Great post for the holidays when its so easy to rush through moments, forgetting to stop and give a love to those we’re doing the holiday prep for… I too love ya to Reeses pieces, my courageous friend
December 16th, 2009
Hi there Kerry~ I love you too my wise fabulous friend:) I am planning on calling you in the next day or so…hope we can chat and catch up. I miss ya
Ooodles and ooodles of love~