Recently, a lovely woman that I have had the honor of knowing died of complications due to lung cancer.  When I heard the news, I cried and felt a strong wave of sadness.  “Another good one bites the dust” is what I thought.  I was glad for her that she was able to head out … I know she was suffering.  I was also aware of how hard it was for her to leave her children, husband and friends.

That was the part that really got the tears going.

Can you imagine having to say goodbye to your children?  To your partner?  To your friends?

While I was jumping into this very sad image…my son stopped by.  He is so full of life.  Full of energy.  Alive and well.  And for a moment…just a split second…I felt bad that we were so alive and well.  As he shared his frustration about the traffic and the crappy drivers “here in Colorado” I relaxed and enjoyed the life and the frustration that was spilling out of him.

Then I got kind of annoyed…heard this before…when is he gonna get over it???? And then for a moment…just a split second…I felt bad that I had felt so annoyed.  What right do I have to be annoyed at my sons annoyance when there are people who are dying and families who are suffering?  What right do I have to thrive while others are seemingly not?

This was just a whisper of a thought.  Quick and to the point.

After my son left, I sat with this amazing paradox.  Pain and suffering on the one hand…thriving and joy on the other.  How do we hold them both?  Do we even want to hold them both?  Does holding them both muck things up for us?

One of the challenges for me living as a human on the planet…is that I want everyone to thrive.  Well, maybe that is not totally true!  There are some shitty people out there doing rotten things…I want them to suffer for it!!! Ahhhhhh…more paradoxes!  On the one hand, I have a very expansive capacity for love and compassion and then on the other hand I can be as punitive (in my mind) as the best of em.

Interestingly, (at least to me) is that there are rotten people out there having great lives and lovely people who have to suffer through lung cancer.  It is a head scratcher.  I just don’t get it.  And maybe that is part of the whole thing…it ain’t for me to get.

It is just a big ol’ paradox.

It is an “and/both” situation.

It is a huge gargantuan pile of contrast.

And it is a major part of our journey as humans on the planet.  On the one hand…this is so beautiful and on the other hand…that is so not.  On the one hand…this feels so wonderful and on the other hand…that felt so painful.  On the one hand this is so fun…on the other hand…that over there sucks so bad.

And I suppose this is part of what makes being alive so incredible.  We need contrast to see, to hear, to taste, to touch…to learn….to grow….on and on and on.  You can’t have dark without the light. You can’t feel fully awake without some good sleep.

So, I guess there is no conclusion for this post.  I have been trying to find a whitty closing for days.  I guess I will just end this here…filled with contrast and wonder…filled with questions and no clear answers…sittin’ here in the paradox of being a human on this planet.

Bye for now~