After hanging up the phone last night, I let out a deep exhale.

Note to self…keep breathing when you are on the phone with her!

I had been holding my breath for the last handful of minutes towards the end of the call while she was crying and begging me to come out and help her.  I told that I would be there soon.  Soon in her world is an ever changing thing. Soon in my world means about 3 weeks.  But, who knows if she will even be here by then.  Part of me hopes she will be gone, part of me wants to see her one last time.

My intuitive sense says she will be here for a bit longer…but who knows.

She is in a nursing home now.

Landed there last week.

She stopped getting out of bed (again), stopped eating and drinking (again).  She is too weak to get out of bed now.  She is wearing depends now.  She is also having some pretty wild hallucinations. Some of them are friendly…hangin out with my dad, her brother or her sister (all of these folks have already left the building).  But, some of them are really scary.  She thinks that she is trapped in the basement of a hospital and no one will let her go home.  The other night it was being trapped in a hotel basement…and no one would let her go home.

There certainly is a lot of truth in these nightmares.  She is trapped. And we won’t let her go home.

Well, she can’t go home.  She can’t take care of herself any longer.

I keep trying to reach for some humor in all of this…and I just can’t.  It just isn’t funny.  Not today anyway.

I have had some funny conversations with my dad though.  You see, my brother and I are kind of pissed of at him for heading out before mom.  He left us with a handful.  He would have been easy if my mom had died before him…but no!  he just had to check out before her.  Selfish man!!!  So, in my dream the other night, I was fussin at him for this mess and told him to come and get her.  He just laughed and laughed. I asked him what was so funny?  He said “This is all up to her.”

Crap.  He is right.  This is all up to her.

When that part of her (what ever that part is), is ready to let go…she will head on out.  Until then, I gotta keep breathing and reminding myself that this is her process.

And while I wait for the inevitable…my son is getting ready to go to Moscow.  My other son is living his fabulous life in Arizona.  My fella and I are enjoying our lives together.  My work is fulfilling and creative. I am learning how to fuse glass.

It snowed this weekend and it is beautiful outside~

11 Responses to “Alzheimers Sucks!”

  1. Yes it certainly does. Your post hit home. We are going through this with mother-in-law. Sending hugs and good thoughts.

  2. Hey there Sherlock! Long time no chat~~ Sorry to hear that you are going through this too…seems to be goin around~ Sending hugs and good thoughts right back to ya~ xo

  3. Wow Lynne. You’re going through a tough time ..
    Hard to find words to console ~ My dad, I think, was beginning to go through Alzheimers, when he came out here to live with me. It was scary. He only lasted two weeks, then bam! gone. I remember, many years ago, we talked about this, how you thought then, that this would be her exiting strategy. Do you remember? I clearly remember you saying something to the affect of her doing this …. the hard exit. You’ve got all the tools you need … remember how much you’re loved. I’d love to come sit and brush your hair, or something…. my dear friend. Your boys going, doing their thing –
    Time is sure going by quickly. I’d love for it to slow down a bit so I can arrange all our affairs, to mellow into our “golden” years – things are pretty darn chaotic – but I remain surprisingly optimistic …. that vision you had on the beach …. remember?
    anyway .. if you do, hold onto it.

    i love you lynne


  4. I’m sorry.


  5. Thanks Mr Peg~ Glad that it is so beautiful outside…lifts the spirits~ have a cozy night!

  6. I’m so sorry you are both suffering. Sending you beams of peace.

  7. I am so sorry it is ending like this. They were saying my father has early alzheimers. i don’t see it and i pray they are wrong. Hang in there. Is there anything I can do from here close by? Let me know and talk to you Thursday.

  8. Woke up feeling really peaceful this morning~ had some more cool dreams with my dad…thanks Jill :)

  9. This was a very familar post….”wait, did I write this?”
    It’s a awful, awful disease. I do find strange humor in this long torturous death process. The absolute ludicrousness of silence. The nursing home won’t talk about the process of dying…..”oh she’s just fine”. I of course think: “what have you been smokin?”. I pray for a meteor to hit her- or a massive stroke.

    Breath, stretch your toes – ‘we’ will get through it.


  10. We just put my mom in a home, in the area only
    two weeks ago. She has fallen 4 times, that we know of. They keep putting her in a wheel chair and leaving her unattended. My Mom is fully capable of walking, but they insist on using one. She trips over the foot rests or the chair gets away from her and she falls on her butt.We cannot find a bed in an Alzheimer’s unit anywhere. Help! They are going to kill her. I know for a fact the home will receive more money from medicaid when one of their residents breaks a bone. What kind of system is that. This Sucks!!!!! My take on this disease, is whats the use in preserving our bodies, without a brain. The BabyBoomers are in big trouble, whats the use in quit smoking and drinking, exercising, eating right, and all that, when a huge majority will develop alzheimer’s. And with alot of our children living out of state and no one to look after us,we will all be sitting in nursing home wit h God knows what happening to us. I for one do not care to live much beyond 70 years if that is the case. they, the experts know that it is hereditary.Good luck, for all of us our fate is sealed, unless of course they find a cure. Fat chance of that, no one in this country gives a damn about the elderly, not even their own families. God help us all.

  11. Some days it sucks less than others, some days are almost amusing or reminiscent of pre-alz. days. Today is NOT that day, it SUCKS!!!

    How is your mom, today?

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