Archive for 'coming undone'

Tiger Swallowtail
Creative Commons License photo credit: wheeldog


I am back.


Where have I been?

Well, I have been traveling all over the world.  From England to Scotland to Ireland to Austria to Germany to Australia to New Zealand. I traveled through out Canada and all through out the US.


I am exhausted.

Actually, I am lying like a sack of potatoes.

I wish this were true.

But, alas…it isn’t.

I have had some major writers block.


I continue to journal.  I continue to do my morning meditations.  I am even working out again.

But writing a blog?

It just hasn’t been happening. (more…)

After hanging up the phone last night, I let out a deep exhale.

Note to self…keep breathing when you are on the phone with her!

I had been holding my breath for the last handful of minutes towards the end of the call while she was crying and begging me to come out and help her.  I told that I would be there soon.  Soon in her world is an ever changing thing. Soon in my world means about 3 weeks.  But, who knows if she will even be here by then.  Part of me hopes she will be gone, part of me wants to see her one last time.

My intuitive sense says she will be here for a bit longer…but who knows. (more…)

And I wonder if you ever think of me
Creative Commons License photo credit: Shootingsnow

I recently received an email from a fabulous reader of this blog.  She was wondering what was goin on?  How come I stopped writing?  Was I going to blog again? She had mentioned my blog to a bunch of her friends only to realize that I had stopped writing.  Ooops.  Sorry bout that!

So, I will attempt to fill you all in and then (I am hoping) that this will magically free me up to start writing again.  Here’s to hoping….cheers :)

My last blog post was September 17th…that was when the organ came to live with my fella and I.  Remember that?  Well, the organ found a way into the house and has been enjoying a well played existence ever since.

The blog post prior to that talked about my mom.  And as those of you who have dealt with this sort of thing in your own life know…demented parents become more demented.  Things have not gotten better for her…nor for the rest of us.  We have found her a lovely woman to come by a few times a week to care for her and that is a relief on many levels.  But, this is not enough.  She will be heading to a nursing home soon.  Unless, she decides to head out of here before then.  Which I hope she does.  I realize that I have no say in this part of things.  Her life and her death are her journey.

During these last couple of months, while my mom has been drifting in between the worlds, I have had many moments of deep healing.  Between her moments of nastiness, there have been moments of forgiveness.  During moments of bone deep exhaustion, there have been moments of sweet peace.  After a day of 20 calls, I say something that makes her laugh…out loud.  And the tension shifts.  After days of holding her hand while she trembles in fear, she sees an old dead loved one walking through the house and sighs into some hopefulness.

I have been living with in some very intense contrast. (more…)

Organ Pipes
Creative Commons License photo credit: SarahMcManiman

Yesterday, my fella took off in the morning to go play at the local porn shops…oops…I mean PAWN shops!   He dreams of finding a 1961 Strat guitar…or some other hidden gem. He has brought home many different things…zithers, pedals, books, old guitars…and one really unusual home made somethin (I think the person was goin for a guitar…but I dunno).  So, we have this strange collection of stuff and things…that gets tucked into the garage and in various nooks and crannies in his studio (which is approximately 10 x 11).

After he returned home from his adventures…he was unusually quiet.

As we sat down to eat some lunch together…I could feel his sidelong glances. (more…)


Since Monday’s post, I have had 5 different phone conversations with my mom.  I can’t tell if she remembers any of them.  During some of them she was seemingly lucid…others…not so much.

One of the aspects of dementia is that the person who is demented…(Can I say that?) becomes very good at compensating.  If mom doesn’t remember something or something confuses her she will start to mumble…change the subject…lie… or strike.   All are very effective…especially the strike.

Brilliant way to get everyone to back the hell off so that she can internally settle herself. (more…)


I had the strangest phone call yesterday…no more stranger than the one before that or the one before that.  Things have been slippin on these calls for a while.  And due to the complicated nature of this relationship…I have been confused about what to do.

I know that I need to go visit…but when?

Maybe it is not as bad as I am thinking.  She has always been a handful with a mean edge.

I want to do some writing about this.  But is that being disloyal?

Visiting…I do need to go out to visit.  In the fall.  Maybe we can all go out for Thanksgiving…she would like that.  I need to go out soon before this thing takes over!

Badly….Well, it is as bad as I have been thinking.  In fact, it is progressing alarmingly quickly.

Writing…I have decided to write about  this…tenderly and a wee bit gingerly.  She doesn’t read this blog…and if she did…hmmmmm…might not be good.   I am still unsure if this is being disloyal (I mean this is pretty intense dirty laundry!) . But, I think that writing about this could be cathartic for me…and possibly for those of you who are going through a similar experience. (more…)


Enter your Email:
Preview | Powered by FeedBlitz
Color Meditation Color Meditations
Don't Miss My Blog, Facebook and Blogtalk Radio Sites! My Blog blogtalkradio facebook Podcasts