As some of you know, my mother has advanced Alzheimer’s.  She has lived in a nursing home for over a year now.  I thought that she would have headed on out by now…but she is alive and continues to be alive.  At this point, I think she is going to live forever, in this strange dream of a place that she resides in.

My interaction with her has changed pretty dramatically over the last handful of months.  Rather than edgy and mean or having intense scary hallucinations, she has been more child like….and sweet.  I can imagine her as a young girl now…before she became the angry adult she turned into…and I can see this sweet, fun kid who was curious  and mischievous.  She has become surprisingly delightful.  I have conversations with her that feel warm and fuzzy.  What a surprise!  And what a gift~

I am not saying that every interaction with her is fun….much of the time it is pretty strange and sometimes it still has pretty sharp edges…but, I love that she has this young part of herself that I get to connect with.  I wrap it around me like a cozy blanket.  And when the conversations get sharp or freaky….I remember this other aspect of her and I feel a little less conflicted.

There are so many challenges for those of us dealing with this.  Alzheimer’s is a marathon.  A very long marathon.  We need to make sure that we hydrate.  That we have good running shoes and comfortable clothes on.  We need our people standing along the road and maybe even running along side of us…supporting us.  Reminding us that we are okay…that everything is okay.

I have many clients who are in the middle of all of this.  It is messy.  It is exhausting.  It is sad.  It is sometimes charming and sweet.  I hope you have good support, a good sense of humor and lots of little ways that you can give yourself self care~  Your not in this alone…there are many of us out here~

That’s it for now.

Have a lovely rest of your day~~~

Since I haven’t written a blog post in a bazillion years….I was going to give you a quick update.  I wrote for a while about this and that.

And I just deleted it.

Then I was going to share some fun little experiences that I have had lately…just to make you smile I wrote for a bit…

And I just deleted that too.

Now what?

I am not sure how to come back to blogging.  I have lots of great stuff to chat about.  I have some cool tools to share.  I have some interesting thoughts about some interesting things.

I want to show up like an old friend that you haven’t talked to in a long time…and it feels like no time has passed. But instead,  I feel a little bit more awkward than that.  So, awkward in fact…that it took me about 20 minutes to figure out how to log in to my blog!  Instead of feeling comfy umfy…I feel squirmy…distracted… and frustrated that I feel so squirmy and distracted.   So, here I am feeling awkward and totally NOT in the grove.  I feel a sense of the groove…but, it is kind of over there a bit…rather than right here at my finger tips.  The groove has been hangin out over there for awhile. I have been waiting for it to come closer…and hence (yes! I said hence)…the months have passed by.  

I am attempting to jump start this groove. I am attempting to align with that comfy, grove kind of place when writing felt fun, creative and expressive.  But, maybe that is too much…too fast.  I can feel the energy start to rise up…and then it goes back to its spot.  Right over there. 

What I do know is that I enjoy writing.  I have lots of good stuff to share.  I enjoy being in the groove.  I love when I write something funny.  I love the co-creative nature of this medium.  And I love that I can do this in whatever way I want to…total creative freedom.  My kind of gig.

I want to approach this differently then I initially thought.  I thought that if I could just start to write…I would get back into the flow and brilliance would be right there at my finger tips.   Well… I guess that was a wee bit of  magical thinking.  I think that I need more of a warm up.  Keep the awareness of what is enjoyable about this process while honoring that it is feeling hard and awkward…and do it anyway.  Gulp!

Yes folks!  We have another paradox!  I keep running into them

I can feel that my energy is starting to dwindle.  So, I am going to go have some lunch.  Peanut butter and Jam always makes this sort of thing feel better!

Until next time… something to ponder if you feel inspired:  Is there a place in your life where you feel the desire to move towards something…and the awareness of how hard it is to get into the groove of the doing of that something?  Want to join me in this awkward kind of dance?

From one awkward human to you   Have a good rest of your day~~

photo credit: wheeldog

Hi.

I am back.

Sorta.

Where have I been?

Well, I have been traveling all over the world.  From England to Scotland to Ireland to Austria to Germany to Australia to New Zealand. I traveled through out Canada and all through out the US.

Whew.

I am exhausted.

Actually, I am lying like a sack of potatoes.

I wish this were true.

But, alas…it isn’t.

I have had some major writers block.

Major.

I continue to journal.  I continue to do my morning meditations.  I am even working out again.

But writing a blog?

It just hasn’t been happening. (more…)

After landing in a wee bit of ‘droopy drawers’ over the whole “my mom has lost her mind” situation…I am so in awe of the other side of this energy.  That place where things are in a fantastic hum of alignment.  Where the energy is just right and all is light and bright and fun and cool.

Like when I drove into town and all the lights turned green and I cruised right on through.  To make this even more cool was the music that I had playing…it just fit so nicely…a groovy little hum.

Then there was this fabulous check that showed up in the mail from a client…she said it was a tip for all of the wonderful work we are doing together.  How cool is that???  What a fun surprise!!!

Then there were the cozy clean sheets waiting for me when I jumped into bed last night.  My fella and I jumped into bed…it was so cold outside and we were so cozy inside.   Dontcha just love that????

And then this morning, my fella was playing his guitar and our dog was howling along with him.  And there was the moment when I joined her in howling.  (more…)

After hanging up the phone last night, I let out a deep exhale.

Note to self…keep breathing when you are on the phone with her!

I had been holding my breath for the last handful of minutes towards the end of the call while she was crying and begging me to come out and help her.  I told that I would be there soon.  Soon in her world is an ever changing thing. Soon in my world means about 3 weeks.  But, who knows if she will even be here by then.  Part of me hopes she will be gone, part of me wants to see her one last time.

My intuitive sense says she will be here for a bit longer…but who knows. (more…)

photo credit: Shootingsnow

I recently received an email from a fabulous reader of this blog.  She was wondering what was goin on?  How come I stopped writing?  Was I going to blog again? She had mentioned my blog to a bunch of her friends only to realize that I had stopped writing.  Ooops.  Sorry bout that!

So, I will attempt to fill you all in and then (I am hoping) that this will magically free me up to start writing again.  Here’s to hoping….cheers

My last blog post was September 17th…that was when the organ came to live with my fella and I.  Remember that?  Well, the organ found a way into the house and has been enjoying a well played existence ever since.

The blog post prior to that talked about my mom.  And as those of you who have dealt with this sort of thing in your own life know…demented parents become more demented.  Things have not gotten better for her…nor for the rest of us.  We have found her a lovely woman to come by a few times a week to care for her and that is a relief on many levels.  But, this is not enough.  She will be heading to a nursing home soon.  Unless, she decides to head out of here before then.  Which I hope she does.  I realize that I have no say in this part of things.  Her life and her death are her journey.

During these last couple of months, while my mom has been drifting in between the worlds, I have had many moments of deep healing.  Between her moments of nastiness, there have been moments of forgiveness.  During moments of bone deep exhaustion, there have been moments of sweet peace.  After a day of 20 calls, I say something that makes her laugh…out loud.  And the tension shifts.  After days of holding her hand while she trembles in fear, she sees an old dead loved one walking through the house and sighs into some hopefulness.

I have been living with in some very intense contrast. (more…)